March 2019 marked one year since the day our adoption was final, and this past Mother’s Day was just over 2 ½ years since The Night We Got the Call to bring two new, precious little boys into our life. We rode the roller coaster of biological parent visits and custody hearings, home visits and emotional trauma… and then on adoption day, we stepped off of that wild ride.
Credit: Amazing Grace Photography by Sarah Mansueto
There was just calm. Not real calm, there are still six rowdy boys in this house, but the lack of drama from the process was wonderful. I didn’t realize how exhausted I was – emotionally, mentally, and physically – but after the adoption it hit me. I was surprised by how drained I felt for a long time.
At first, it was very weird not to have our social worker to call for every little thing. There had always been a healthcare liaison for us to call about insurance issues and a guardian that reassured us we were doing an okay job. When we walked out of that courtroom, we were on our own. All of the support that had been forced on us via foster care fell away and we felt the full weight of parental responsibility. This was a welcome change, but it still took some getting used to. We were fortunate that our support people, including our wonderful adoption worker, did still welcome calls from us and they have helped refer us to the right people when we’ve had questions.
I know you’re probably eager to hear how the boys themselves adjusted, but they had already been here for so long and were so young when they came, that it wasn’t really a change for them. They had struggled quite badly after visitations and we were relieved for their sake when the visits ended, but that had happened several months prior to the adoption.
We are very open with them about their early life.
We have pictures of them with their biological parents. They have blankets and toys that came from their first home; we talk to them about those things and that time. We have their case file, so if they want to see that later they can. We talk to them and all our children about how their other parents loved them very much but were having a hard time, and how everyone involved decided that it would be better for us to be their family. At this age, they are happy and well-adjusted.
We know there may be bumps along the road later, but we will handle those as they come.
And then there is the big question, the one that we deliberated over and over before deciding to adopt. Have we been able to fully open our hearts to them? Do we love them like our own? Mostly yes. The love is equal, but it is not the same as having a baby that I’ve known from the first time he fluttered in my womb. Even though my adopted sons run to me when they are hurt, they have each also gone through times when they didn’t want me, and that hurts deeper than I would have guessed. I have learned a lot about how the biological connection strengthens parent-child relationships, and I understand that it is normal for that missing element to make some things harder. Also, due to the nature of foster care in general, there were many barriers to unhindered love.
Each step toward adoption allowed our love to grow more.
Now, I can honestly say that my sons are MY sons and I AM their mother with every fiber of my being. I would die for them. I will raise them up, and love them every step of the way.
The last few bricks of the wall around my heart were swept away in those months after the adoption. And some parts of being their mother are even sweeter because of how they came to me. When they wrap their arms around me and say, “My mama!” it’s the best feeling in the world. I don’t take them for granted at all because I feel so strongly that God paved their path into my life. I can rest in knowing our family is exactly where he wants us to be.
I wouldn’t change our decision to adopt ever, for anything.
Now that the adoption has been final for a while, we are just living life like you do with any child. There are going to be good and bad moments and challenges along the way. That’s what parenting is, and that part doesn’t change no matter how your children get to you.
If you’d like more information on foster care or adoption from foster care, feel free to comment here, tag me under this post on the Mid-Michigan Moms Blog Facebook page, or message me directly at Married to the Farm.
