Combating “The Mom Bedtime Regret” Syndrome

Mom regret. It’s real and all moms have it.

Over the past year, I have found myself occasionally lying in bed, staring at the green light on the smoke detector that was placed ever so thoughtfully overhead. I lay there recalling conversations and interactions I had had with my little people earlier in the day. The laughs, the tears, the jokes, the frustrations, the meltdowns, and the tantrums-both theirs and mine. The thoughtful, cheery, bright things my littles had done and said would bring a smile to my face, but mostly my sleep was robbed as I stewed over MY actions and MY words. “Why couldn’t I have been more patient? Why did I respond the way I did? What could have I said or done differently?”

After revisiting the best parts and ruminating on my worst, I would give myself the same pep talk like so many nights before: “Alright, tomorrow is going to be better. Tomorrow you are going to stay cool no matter what life brings. Whether it be a whiny, persistent preschooler or a spoon-throwing toddler, you will smile and tend to the day like a pro. Tomorrow is a new day.”

After a few minutes of wallowing in my self-proclaimed ‘Mom Bedtime Regret Syndrome,” I was immediately overcome with a longing to go into my kids’ rooms, hold them, and apologize for not being my best. I needed them to know how I truly felt despite my ability to do so at the time. These feelings ate away at me and I wondered, “Why hadn’t I done something differently at the time?” I yearned for just a moment with them, but knew that 1) waking them at this hour would prove to be nothing short of disastrous and 2) they wouldn’t remember the words I so badly wanted them to hear anyway. And so, there I lay, under the green light, full of mom regret.

I grew tired of the bedtime regret and decided to make a change in an attempt to resolve my regret earlier in the evening. I often have 5-10 minutes after dinner when my little people are quiet and content. Typically, I use that time to quickly tidy up the kitchen, do dishes, whatever. Recently, in addition to these tasks, I’ve started using this time to allow my regret to sink in for a few moments. As I am clearing the table or cleaning dishes, I try to take a moment to ask myself, “Did anything happen today that I didn’t have the time or energy to bring closure to? Were there any missed opportunities during the day that I should address or bring attention to?” I then pick out a few of those moments and spend just a minute or two with my littles explaining myself, apologizing, or just getting and receiving some much-needed snuggles.

While I’m unsure if this has changed my life or the lives of my littles. I do know that by giving just a minute, a few words, a hug, or an apology that I have regained a bit of my previously stolen sleep, and the yearning to unnecessarily wake my sleeping children has subsided.

My hope through this realization is that I am showing my kiddos that it is okay to make mistakes, but it isn’t okay to ignore them.

For the time being, I’m saying goodbye to bedtime regret syndrome and the smoke detector, and hello better sleep.

How do you combat your own mom guilt?

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