When I found out I was pregnant with our first child, one of my biggest worries – aside from the fact that I was about to be responsible for growing, birthing, and taking care of a WHOLE PERSON in the near future – was keeping my marriage strong.
My husband and I had been married for about a year and a half when I got a positive pregnancy test, and our marriage was great. I worried that a baby would add so much stress to our lives that it would hurt our strong connection. I worried that my changing body would affect our romantic life. And what about no more sleeping in? Having to get a babysitter every time we wanted to go out? The future was scary!
A new baby changes every aspect of your life, but for my marriage, it was for the better. We were strong and became stronger. Not only did our family gain a beautiful little person to love, but our status as teammates in the huge undertaking of parenting was also solidified. We grew closer to each other and closer to God. We learned how to communicate and support each other through some really tough times. Our marriage changed from something fun, uncomplicated, and fulfilling, to something even more fun, joyful, and fulfilling – even if we are now way more tired!
Here are three things I’ve learned to do since having kids that keep our marriage strong:
Strong Marriage Tip #1: Respect him. A couple of years ago I read a book called “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn that really opened my eyes to how important respect is for men. She conducted a large survey and found men would rather be unloved than be disrespected! Just as wives often want unconditional love – even on our crabbiest days – husbands want unconditional respect.
As women, we usually expect things to be done a certain way {*cough* our way *cough*} and it’s easy to nag our husbands and focus on their shortcomings, especially when we are stressed out by how much we do as moms. When we don’t respect the men in our life or trust them, they get angry and it’s harder for them to show us love… which makes us more upset and disrespectful! If left unchecked, this is a nasty cycle that does harm to a marriage. The good news is that you can be the one to change that cycle, and fairly easily!
What does this look like in practice? Trust his judgment. He’s probably right and you are wrong about things, sometimes! Respect and value his opinions. Notice the things he accomplishes – even things like changing a diaper or taking out the trash or going to work – and thank him for it. Don’t belittle him, even in conversations between you two; if you are truly upset about something, fight fair. Don’t disparage him in public, even in the name of teasing. If you instead talk him up in public, get ready to be wife of the year! Finally, assume the best about him instead of the worst – that’s what we would want for ourselves, right? Treat people {even your husband} the way you want to be treated.
Strong Marriage Tip #2: Respect yourself. Like a lot of moms, after having our first child, I lost myself for a while. I didn’t eat well or exercise. The scale climbed up, even after I gave birth. I was up all hours with a demanding baby, isolated at home, bewildered by my new role as “mom”. My mental health took a big hit. It’s hard to be a fun participant in life or marriage when you feel like garbage mentally and physically! Plus, with little kids at home, sometimes everyone else’s needs feel so overwhelming and urgent, my own urgent needs get put on the backburner. As L.R. Knost says, “Self-care isn’t ‘me first’, its ‘me, too“. It’s taken me years, but I’m slowly grasping and practicing this concept – you’ve got to respect yourself!
What does self-care for yourself look like in practice? For me, this respect looks like taking care of my body: planning meals and fuel my body well, making time to exercise, drinking more water than coffee, and wearing clothes that make me feel good about myself. Respecting my time means saying no to things outside of the home that would drain me, making time for hobbies {like reading!}that build me up, and taking time away from the house when I need to do so. Respecting myself is the toughest in my own head – to reframe my thoughts so my self-talk is kind instead of beating myself up. It’s much easier for me to meet my children’s needs and be a present, happy wife when my own needs are met!
Strong Marriage Tip #3: Play – together. Think about when you were dating your husband – what sorts of things did you do together? I bet you weren’t wiping poop off the bathroom floor, trying to make a three-year-old eat peas, or zoning out on your phones the second you get a break at 8pm! If you’re anything like me, dating was a glorious mix of going out to eat, exploring new places, and trying new activities. Why does that have to end when you have kids?
Even though we go out far less than we used to, something that has made our marriage really fun is finding something to play – together! We have an original Playstation and every now and then we’ll play a {very pixelated!} game called NFL Blitz. The competition and bad graphics get us laughing every time! Whether it’s video games, board games, cribbage, or something else, finding a game or activity that lets you play together makes your marriage so much fun.
We don’t have it all figured out. We fight and we aren’t perfect people, but overall our marriage is stronger and we are happier when we do these three things!
How did your marriage change after having kids?
What do you do to keep your marriage strong?
