I Can’t Sleep With My Husband

I can’t sleep with my husband. A shocking statement? Maybe to some. But hear me out.

I can't sleep with my husbandWe’ve been married for over a decade and his snoring is beyond disruptive. For years, I tried to cope. I’d roll my husband over, wake him up and have him reposition himself, even hit the bed in frustration when he’d wake me out of a dead sleep. I just couldn’t deal. And, frankly, neither could he.

Each time I woke him up, his sleep would be disrupted and he would be noticeably agitated. Normally a very mild-mannered person, being woken up in the middle of the night turns my husband into some sort of wild beast. Honestly, he’s mean. He needs his sleep, and being woken up in the middle of the night doesn’t bring out his finer qualities.

Yes, we’ve tried sleep apnea and airway breathing treatments. This seems to be an ever-evolving field and I’ve encouraged my husband to go back and seek further treatment for his loud slumbering. I think it would help. But he needs to do this on his own.

If I’ve learned anything during my married years, it’s that you can’t control your partner. Sometimes, the impetus to do something has to come completely from oneself.

In other words – my husband needs to take the bull by the horns, and I need to let him figure that out on his own. If it’s my idea, it will never work. He has to want to change, and I need to let him figure that out all on his own – maybe with a little gentle nudging.

In the meantime, we both need to sleep. We are busy. Our lives are full of work, activities, kids, family, friends, and more. And so we sleep separately. Some have called this a Sleep Divorce. I guess that name could ring true. I know sleeping apart seems like a foreign concept to many – almost taboo. But, honestly, the more I talk about it, the more I realize that my lumberjack-sounding husband and I are not alone!

I’ve had no short of five conversations with friends who are in the same boat – friends who can’t sleep with their spouses. For whatever reason – mostly snoring! – co-sleeping doesn’t work for their relationship. And guess what? Each of these couples lives a very healthy relationship otherwise. Their shared time together and their level of intimacy are still the same as it was when they co-slept. How this happened for each couple was different, but no one was complaining about a lack of one-on-one time with their respective spouses. If anything, everyone in the household was sleeping better and were happier as a result.

We live in a judgy time. Or, maybe, it’s always been a judgy world. It’s just easier now that we can hide behind computer screens and judge from afar. I know this post will spark some debate. That’s ok. What works for me, might not work for you. Each marriage and spousal relationship is completely different. And what we see in public versus private might be entirely different as well. For example – PDAs for my husband and me are pretty much non-existent, whereas some couples are super touchy-feely. ‘You Do You’ is a phrase that is overused and a little cliche but, nonetheless, I’m going to invoke it here.

I can’t sleep with my husband, and it works for us. We are happier and more well-adjusted people when we each get a good night’s rest and are ready to face our busy lives.

If that doesn’t work for YOU, that’s perfectly fine. It works for us. We are happy and happily well-rested.

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