I love all of my children equally, but certain relationships I just have to work harder at.
When I had my firstborn I was eighteen, it was eleven days after my eighteenth birthday to be exact. He was born eight pounds, fifteen ounces. His dad and I weren’t together so I was a full-time student, full-time employee, and single parent. Fast forward to a year later when I met my husband and moved in with him eight months later. We were three months pregnant with my middle daughter by that time.
She was born in November, I was 20-years-old. By that time, I had worked my way up from a full-time employee to a full-time co-manager. My shifts were long, although they were only eight-hour shifts. Some days I worked ten to six, other days I worked three until almost midnight. I would get home and her dad would leave for work where he worked third shift. When I would get home, the baby would still be up and it would be my turn to get her back down. Only, she never slept! She was up all hours of the night, just wanting to be awake. Occasionally, after she turned one and was still not sleeping I’d turn the television on and position her next to me while I tried to close my eyes. It was literally one of the most exhausting times in my life. Despite advice from all across the board, I just have girls that don’t like sleep!
With our shifts being so different, my now husband and I rarely got time together. He was just as exhausted as I was! And, I had a very hard time connecting with my daughter through it all. Being sleep-deprived and trying to raise a family on different schedules was a bit like being a single parent. Dealing with big emotions that I had no clue at the time was postpartum depression. Sometimes, I don’t know how we made it through it all. The hardest thing about that time though was the connection between me and my daughter. My days were spent working and my nights were filled with a baby that just would not sleep.
Today, I have three children.
Another daughter that just started sleeping through the night at age four. My middle daughter now sleeps through the night as well. She is a strong-willed, beautiful, and smart girl. But, I struggle in my relationship with her to this very day. I’m not sure if it’s because we are so much alike or because I had such a hard time connecting to her when she was a baby. I find myself being harder on her than the others. At times, I find myself being short with her. It makes me feel ashamed when I tell someone that I struggle with her. Feeling judged is another worry I have when telling someone. Perhaps what’s most surprising is when another mother tells me she feels the same way!
Sometimes it feels good to know that other mothers can relate to your experiences. Know that you’re not alone in your feelings. I am okay knowing that loving my children equally takes work because they know they are loved.
