Stop Asking, “Do You Have Any Kids?” Here’s Why.

“Do you have any kids?*”
*Trigger warning: This post does mention pregnancy loss and infertility.

This is such a simple question. 5 words to get to know someone, right?

“Do you have any kids?” is maybe what we casually ask a new coworker or other women at a girl’s night out. It’s a way to get to know someone. To see if you have anything in common with a person.

But asking, “do you have any kids?” is also a way to break someone’s heart. It’s a way to send someone nose-diving into depression. And in my honest opinion, it’s an all-around awful question.

do you have any kidsPlease, please, please, please stop asking women if they have children!

The other day, my husband and I went out to dinner to celebrate paying off our hospital delivery bill. You know the bill from giving birth to a beautiful baby you get to bring home? We didn’t get to bring our baby home.

But we still wanted to celebrate as parents. At that dinner, my husband and I are reflecting back on the year we have had and he mentions something mind-blowing to him: While it is an honor and privilege for us to be parents, it is staggering how many pregnancies end in loss. The “1 in 4” statistic is so crazy to think about and we often think, “Well, the odds are in my favor. I feel good about the 75% chance of having a living baby.”

Through writing, therapy, reading, and baking, I have come to peace with telling my story of our perfect baby girl. But if you ask me, “Do you have any kids?” I will tell you yes. I will also tell you no. I carried my baby for 38 weeks and delivered her. But I didn’t bring her home. We visit her every weekend, but I will never see her grow up.

Every single person I tell this to gets very uncomfortable and awkward. Rightfully so, because the question “do you have any kids?” is a personal question. This question is triggering to those moms in the 1 in 4 category. Some of us are comfortable talking about our baby and some of us aren’t. You only see the person when you ask them that question. You don’t know their internal and personal struggles.

Here is why you do not ask the question, “Do you have any kids?”:

  1. You could be asking that question who has dealt with years of infertility and multiple miscarriages.

    Please realize it is not as easy as having sex to get pregnant. There are so many tears shed, so much much money spent with IVF, and so so much pain for losing that chance of being pregnant or trying to get pregnant. We spend most of our time dreaming of what could be if we could get pregnant and stay pregnant. It’s agonizing.

  2. It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS if I have any kids.

You seriously cannot find any other topic to talk about? You cannot ask about anything else? That is such a personal question and oftentimes, that is the first thing people ask when they meet someone new. My body is not your business and women do not need to fit into this mold society has created. You are not my OBGYN or my husband, so it is none of your business.

do you have any kids

So maybe you have asked that question before {don’t worry, I have too, before my daughter} and you genuinely want to know what you can do:

  1. Instead of asking “Do you have any kids?” ask someone to tell you about their family.

    Maybe someone got a puppy or a kitten for the first time and they are really excited. Maybe that couple bought a house that they are so proud of. You could learn so much more about a person’s history by asking about their whole family rather than focusing on kids. Rephrasing that question allows for a more meaningful dialogue to take place.

  2. Ask about children ONLY AFTER someone has expressed their child loss.

    Ask how the woman or couple are doing. Ask if there are any nonprofits you can support. And ask if they want to talk about their children. There are definitely other women like me that have a story and want to tell their story, but you also have to be receptive to listening. If you ask if I have any kids, and I say ‘I have a heavenly saint’, ask about my saint. Don’t just avoid the follow-up due to them not being alive anymore. We are parents and our children matter even if they are not physically here.

“Do you have any kids?” seems like such a simple question. You probably think I’m overexaggerating, but you may potentially cause a lot of pain, grief, and suffering by asking that simple question. Because I understand, I am sharing in an attempt to try to help you and many other moms avoid that particular, heartbreaking pain.

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This Southern Belle has lived in Mid-Michigan with her husband Matt and dog Vader for a few years. They welcomed their first heavenly and saintly baby girl, Lynn Sofia, in May 2020 and are expecting a boy in August. Rebeca is a degreed bilingual meteorologist and has graduated with her Master's Degree in Applied Sciences from Mississippi State (the other MSU). When she is not blogging, you can probably catch Rebeca at a local BWW, reading a book outside when the weather is nice, or eating finding a local dive across Mid-Michigan.