Leaving the Hospital Without My Daughter: My Stillborn Saint’s Story

ATTENTION: Before I begin to tell you my story, I must warn you that this might be triggering to anyone who has or knows someone who has experienced child loss. 

Never did I ever think I would lose my child before I got to meet her, especially my firstborn daughter. It’s not that I thought I was immune to child loss, but I honestly wasn’t all too worried about the 1 in 4 chance of losing my child. Child loss seemed like such a low statistic.

But on May 9th, child loss became a reality for me. 

Our Story

child lossI have always loved babies from when I was a teenager to even now as a grown adult. I knew I would always become a mom and I was always ready for when that day came. 

My husband and I did not plan to have kids immediately, but we went into our marriage with the mindset that we would be so happy if and whenever that moment happened for us. Well, that moment came in September 2019.

I remember calling in sick in from work one morning because I nearly fainted as I was getting ready. It didn’t really click to me what could possibly be the reason I felt so off. I decided to take a pregnancy test a few days later. And well…

child lossEvery pregnancy is different and I hate using the word ‘typical’ but I would say my pregnancy overall was complication-free. There were no warning signs at any point that something like child loss could and would go wrong 38 weeks later.

Birth Week

My 38-week appointment was on May 5th and my OBGYN said everything looked good on the ultrasound and her heart rate was in a good range. Perfect. Now, it was just a waiting game.

I went into labor 3 days later on May 8th and I was not prepared for what the night would bring us. As I was getting checked, I realized I had not felt the baby move in a day and a half. I could hear the nurses whisper that they had issues finding baby girl’s heartbeat. 

An ultrasound was ordered and two nurses stayed by my side still trying to find her heartbeat. I knew something was really tragically wrong when everyone in the room was silent. 

Dr. Kroll, the OBGYN on call, came with all of the nurses working that night to tell us the tragic news. Our daughter, Lynn Sofia, somehow had fluid in her lungs and body and had passed. There was no explanation as to how and why this happened and I genuinely could not tell you what else she said. My husband, Matt, looked tragically distraught, but our new reality of child loss had not set in for me yet.

Then, she told me that I still had to deliver her.

I begged for a C-section with every drug possible. I had already lost my world, so why drag it out anymore? Dr. Kroll advised against a C-section in order to prevent infection and complications with future pregnancies and I thought she was crazy. How dare this woman tell me I still have to naturally give birth after hearing my daughter died?

Giving birth naturally ended up being the best decision.

Throughout preparing for labor, I was in a complete daze. My new reality had not hit me, but I had no time to stop and grief. My body went through the typical labor routine of contractions intensifying over time, my water broke, I received an epidural, and then I had to push.

Lynn Sofia was born at 4:20 PM on Saturday, May 9th.

child lossI was able to hold my very beautiful daughter at that point while I received a couple of stitches. Time stopped for the millionth time as I admired my beautiful daughter who turned out looking EXACTLY like her father. I laugh about it now how she had her father’s big head, her father’s long fingers, and her father’s curled in toes. She would have my curly hair, but more importantly has my personality.

Life in my ‘New Normal’

The day following my daughter’s birth felt like a whirlwind and went by so fast, but I wouldn’t take anything back. The hospital took pictures for us, which we will privately cherish forever and love till the end of time.

To this day, we have no medical reason to explain what and why this tragic child loss event happened to us. God simply needed another Saint in His Kingdom and we are slowly accepting our new life without her physically.

Leaving the hospital without my daughter, experiencing child loss, was the hardest thing I will ever go through as a mother, but knowing that she will always be with me in spirit brings me great comfort. Lynn Sofia will forever be free of pain, worry, distraught, and will forever have a piece of our hearts. 
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This Southern Belle has lived in Mid-Michigan with her husband Matt and dog Vader for a few years. They welcomed their first heavenly and saintly baby girl, Lynn Sofia, in May 2020 and are expecting a boy in August. Rebeca is a degreed bilingual meteorologist and has graduated with her Master's Degree in Applied Sciences from Mississippi State (the other MSU). When she is not blogging, you can probably catch Rebeca at a local BWW, reading a book outside when the weather is nice, or eating finding a local dive across Mid-Michigan.