I Wished the Baby Away

It was too soon. I planned my first pregnancy to the T. Hudson was born on his due date. But this one, this pregnancy, wasn’t in my plan. I wasn’t ready. I started complaining about the positive test right away. My shock and irritation wasn’t a secret. Even in the “not-really-complaining” ways: “Oh man, they will be too close!” And the naive “I don’t know how this happened!”  I didn’t have the excitement I had for my first, but I’d “deal” with it was the best I could respond. 

A few weeks later  I woke up covered in blood, passing hand sized clots. I miscarried.  I had so much guilt it pounded me.

I felt that I had literally wished this baby away, I knew it. I didn’t deserve this life! What had I done?

There are mamas who are praying for babies, traveling for babies, paying for babies, fighting for babies.  I took my gift for granted and it was gone. It was a hard pill to swallow. 

What if that was my son’s only chance at a sibling?  Was it a boy or girl? So many questions bombarded me. 

I made the call to the OB on shift asking what I should do and she said, “Well, can you handle it?”

Can I handle that I’m flushing what was a child inside of me down the toilet? Can I handle that I thought I was pregnant and now I’m not? Can I handle that my bed, clothes, body and toilet are covered in blood? 

No, I didn’t know if I could. I was mad and sad and embarrassed. I thankfully was reminded that I don’t have the power over God to wish away a life. I can’t will a child here or gone. 

It took some time. It took some crying. Some days off. Some extra loving on my son and from my family on me. But I made it. And gave my guilt up. Or maybe it released me. 

I got pregnant again when we were ready. It took a few months and I had the guilt bubble up again each time the test was negative. It wanted to grip my heart that I had a baby and wished it away. But I didn’t let it. I prayed for strength from God that I couldn’t find on my own. I couldn’t just pull up my bootstraps and work harder. I couldn’t earn a baby here or deserve to lose it.

We had a beautiful blue eyed, dimple faced beauty almost two years later, almost to the day I lost the last.

She was a divine reminder that without losing the baby before her, I wouldn’t have her. The plans are in God’s hands even if I think I’m in control, I’m not. And thankfully I’m not. Ellory wouldn’t be here if I was in control.

Your road might not be that easy but it is my belief to trust in God’s plan, anyway. Even if it’s longer or harder or rockier. We all approach situations differently, but I believe that if He can teach a bird to build a nest and care for their young, that He cares for you, too.

And most importantly it’s OK to talk about it. You don’t have to wait until it’s “solved” or makes sense or you are 12 weeks. Talk about it. It’s real and OK to not have it figured out or understand.  And I didn’t and you can’t wish a baby away or here.