Yes, you heard me right. Please hear me out, I think you’ll see where I’m coming from. Learning to stop controlling our kids is more of a sanity saver than you think.
When we attempt to control the behaviors, words, and actions of others, especially our kids, we are really saying, “I don’t like how you’re behaving, or what you’re saying. It would make me feel better, if you behaved, acted, and talked like this, my way.” It’s basically like saying, “It would make me happier if you would just please me.”
It sounds harsh, but before I begin, reflect on this:
Can we really control anyone?
No. We can’t. We might think we want to control others, especially our kids. We think it would make us feel better if everything went according to our plan.
There are so many things that we want to have control over, the list could go on for pages. But, that’s not the point here. We need to let go. It would serve us best to remember that the only control we have is over ourselves and our actions. It will feel better for us and our kids too because we feel better. By putting out good vibes, we attract and inspire the good vibes of others. Funny, leading by example, what a concept.
Learning to Let Go of Control
Look, I know what you must be thinking. How in the world are we supposed to raise good kids that grow into awesome, productive adults if we don’t assert some sort of control? I propose the answer to that is TRUST.
Trust that our children have their own guidance system.
Trust that our kids inherently want to do good, be good, and feel good.
As parents, we want the best for our kids. We’re trying to teach our kids with our words, mostly drawn from experiences we’ve had throughout our lifetime. We use our words to express lessons and fears we have from past experiences, our own fears or anticipation/anxiety of what the future might hold. The thing is, words don’t really teach. It is only through our own experiences in the present moment that we learn. The HERE and NOW.
I’m not advocating for being an oblivious parent, or letting kids run into the street, or allowing them to place themselves in any sort of danger. NO.
Providing Independence and Support
This is what I am advocating:
The next time you find yourself ready to blow steam out your ears because your toddler just dumped an entire box of Legos on the floor {…that you just picked up five minutes ago. How many times a day do I seriously have to this?}. Or, when your pre-teen is all “OMG, MOOOOOM, why did you pack my tennis shoes? I didn’t want them in the bag, it’s really your fault I forgot them up north at my friend’s camper.” Take a step back and ask yourself, “Why am I getting upset?”
Breathe and bring yourself to the present moment. Feel your breath. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now at this present moment? What am I trying to control and why?” Come to your own conclusions based on how the moment is feeling to you, and make no decisions until you are sure you are coming to them from a place of alignment and conscious awareness.
That’s what I’ve been doing, and what I will continue to do. Because, I am learning to stop controlling when it comes to my kids and I am choosing to have a conscious, present moment and awareness – for the sake of my sanity. Instead, doing what feels good and right for me and my family, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It’s a mixed bag: parenting and motherhood. Every situation is unique and beautiful exactly for what it is. I am learning to embrace the crossroads of here and now, whatever the here and now is. It is HERE and NOW.
Diffusing My Controlling Tendencies
In the Lego situation, it was a lot easier for me to diffuse myself because she is only two and there are things that are hugely different about me, who-I-really-am now versus the person and mom I was 12 years ago when my oldest was born. It’s easier for me to choose to see my toddler revel in fun, excitement, and awe, rather than choosing to see the mess she’s making {that I will probably have to clean up 10 more times today, HAHA!}.
My experience with all of my children, who are 12, 10, and two, are vastly different experiences. {Confession: I’m not perfect and used to yell, frequently.} In the situation with my 12-year-old and the forgotten shoes, I simply did a literal about-face. Because, I could feel the steam building, ready to shoot out of my ears. It took a few minutes, but I gave it real conscious thought. While it wasn’t my fault she forgot the shoes, I did pack them after she told me she didn’t want them. {Control.}
Letting Go
Now, you can look at this in a couple of different ways. The way I have learned to stop controlling my kids is to look at the situation and others of all kinds {in all types of relationships, with all walks of life} and come from a place of alignment. Basically, I make a choice to NOT react to ANY situation until I am calm, collected and feel good about the energy I’m about to project.
Once I was able to align myself, I realized:
- I was asserting my control on her, by forcibly packing her shoes. {Yes, ridiculous, but 100% true.}
- The reason I did so was based on my own personal experience camping; forgetting to pack tennis shoes. LOL!
- If I try to control her every move and save her from having to learn from the experience… is she really experiencing?
I want my kids to grow up and become whatever they want to become. I want to encourage their own expansion and the only way to expand is to experience. So no, I wouldn’t let my two-year-old climb the walls, DANGER. But, I will let her run around naked in the house because she doesn’t want to wear clothes and she’s perfectly happy that way.
As for the older girls, this is a journey were on together. Ultimately, the most important thing for them is to know who they are, to trust themselves. They have to know how to recognize their own intuition. They are on their own path and we get to help guide them for the first 18 or so years. It’s our job to teach them that they can be and do anything that they want.
