Recently, I learned that a friend had given her notice at work and was going to become a stay-at-home mom: the right choice for her family, just as my choice to work has always been {and will continue to be} right for mine.
When I mentioned it to the person I was with, the off-handed reply was, “Well, I guess she just wants to be a full-time mom.”
I raised my eyebrows and said, “I’m a full-time mom.”
“Well, no,” came the response. “Your daughter is in daycare.”
I literally had to stand up and walk away so I didn’t say anything I might regret. I hid in a bathroom stall and fought back tears.
I was sad that this person, perhaps subconsciously, thought of working mothers this way — and I was angry that this is still a conversation we were having in 2018. According to the United States Department of Labor, 70% of mothers with children under the age of 18 work outside of the home, and the vast majority of those moms work full-time.
While my 40-hour workweek ends at 5pm each day, my 24/7 job certainly doesn’t. The fact that my daughter is in daycare four days per week doesn’t mean I’m not responsible during that time for the decisions about her care. If an emergency happened while she was at daycare, I — not her teachers, despite how much I adore them — would be called upon to make the appropriate decision {not to mention the fact that I would drop everything to take care of whatever it was}.
When she wakes up from a bad dream at 3:30am I can’t just roll over and keep sleeping. {Actually, my daughter didn’t sleep through the night until she was 15 months old; I honestly don’t know how I made it through infancy on so little sleep except by sheer force of will — not to mention lots of caffeine.}
Even breaks at work are sometimes spent dealing with parenting stuff, too: calling to reschedule a doctor’s appointment, or making sure a school form is signed, or stealing a few minutes to plan her upcoming birthday party. When she was tiny, all of my breaks were spent attached to a breast pump — hardly my idea of a few relaxing minutes to myself.
It’s hard knowing I miss things, too. I miss bumps and bruises, and eight hours worth of chatter and insight and questions, and I hear after the fact about all of the things she’s learning — if she’s willing to talk about it on the way home. In addition to daycare, my daughter spends one of my work days home with my husband: Tuesdays are Daddy-Daughter Day. We’re all home on the weekends, so it’s rare that I ever get a full Mommy-Daughter Day. I get the play-by-play once I get home — but of course, that’s not the same.
And even when we’re at home there’s still the emotional energy that comes with early-morning meltdowns, her inexplicable after-school intensity, or the seemingly thousands of questions my daughter asks every day — which she still somehow seems to squeeze into the few before-and-after school hours. As an introvert, sometimes I NEED a break. I don’t get those during my 24/7 job, either.
My workday ends at 5pm. I can leave my job once I clock out; I can usually even leave my work bag in the car when I get home. One less thing to remember the next morning as I’m rushing us out the door!
I can’t clock out of motherhood at the end of the day, and I wouldn’t want to.
I know and love a lot of stay-at-home moms, so I’m not saying any of this to compare my experience to theirs, or to reduce what they do. What matters about motherhood, no matter how we look at it, is that it’s a HARD job — or duty, or mission, or whatever we want to call it. The moms in my life are my friends and family; they bring their sweet children to my library every day; they’re out there doing the essential work of raising the next generation of awesome humans.
No matter our how we spend our days, we’re ALL full-time moms. We all have exactly 24 hours per day; there are no more hours for any of us to get it all done. We’re all working as hard as we can, at all hours, to keep our families and lives afloat.
A little kindness, and understanding, and support for each other can go a long way to making sure none of us have to argue this point in the future.
