A couple of months ago, as I was hurrying out the door to the car, I slammed my finger in the kitchen door. HARD. So hard, in fact, that I was a little worried I had broken my finger. Over the rest of the day, that finger slowly started to resemble a puffy, tender sausage, and the fingernail started to turn a nasty shade of black. Thus began a 3-month saga of covering up the offending nail with dark nail polish, watching it continue to deteriorate, grieving a bit when it fell off, and then hiding my non-fingernail in a series of childish band-aids until at last, the nail started to re-grow.
All of this business with my sad fingernail made me more conscious {read: embarrassed} about my nails in general than ever before in my memory. I’ve always been a nail-biter {a habit I wish I could break} but it normally doesn’t bug me too much that my nails are never filed, shaped exactly like their neighbor, or that they are usually short and unpolished. The times I have tried to grow my nails out usually just left me mildly exasperated that I couldn’t type out an email or put in my contacts as easily. Plus – nails take a lot of time!
With two little ones constantly underfoot, who has time to let that beautiful nail lacquer harden into a perfect, shimmery shine?
Turns out, lots of moms.
For the past few months, I’ve been extra aware of other moms’ nails, and the results have shocked me. There are plenty of moms sporting chipped polish and ragged nails like me, but there are plenty of others with long, filed, polished nails. These moms usually also have really nice style, pretty, non-greasy hair, and clean, smiling, and {seemingly} well-behaved children. These women baffle me. I will see a mom with beautiful fingernails or a professional set and think to myself…
“Wow! Look at those! How does she clean the bathroom with those beautiful nails? Or wash dishes? Don’t those nails pierce right through rubber gloves? Maybe she doesn’t have clean her bathrooms or wash her dishes. WOW, how did she pull that gig off? She is so lucky.”
Or, usually, it’s a meaner litany that runs through my head…
“Look at her nails. Those are gorgeous. They probably took an hour, or cost a small fortune. What is wrong with you? Why don’t you take care of yourself better? Look, she has three kids with her and you only have two. She can handle them and keep herself up. She seems in control, but you sure don’t feel that way or look that way. What is wrong with you? Why can’t you handle yourself like that woman? At the very least, why don’t you have nails like that? What a failure.”
Now, is that any way to talk to someone, especially yourself? No. Way.
I would never dream about talking to anyone else like that, but I never hesitate to hurl cruel thoughts and critiques at myself. It’s not constructive. It’s hurtful and it’s not in line with the mother or woman I strive to be. If you are anything like me, you do this from time to time, too. When I think about all of us moms, walking around and smiling to each other but beating ourselves up in our head, it makes my heart hurt.
Why can’t we just be nice to ourselves?
When I feel those shaming, painful thoughts hurtling at myself, in those moments when I feel so “less-than,” I try to practice self-compassion, {keyword: try} to turn away from the critical and say kind things to myself…
“Okay, so that mom has beautiful nails. So what? Good for her! She also may have a marriage on the rocks, or health issues, or troubles at work. You don’t know what other people are going through. Everyone is dealing with something. So your nails aren’t perfect – so what? No one says they have to be perfect! You are healthy. You have all your fingers and all your toes. You have people who love you, a faith in your Savior that gives your life purpose, and more than everything that you need. Your nails don’t define you as a woman, and you know what – you take care of all your needs, and the needs of your kids, too! Do you know how many nails that is? 60! {Soon to be 80!} You are taking care of 60 fingernails and toenails. That’s a lot. You are rocking it. Keep it up. You are a great mom and you are enough, chipped nails and all. I love you.”
I hope that you are nicer to yourself than I am.
I hope a silly little thing like fingernail polish, or anything else – the size of your house, the vacations you do or don’t take, your job or family or body – don’t cause you to compare and beat yourself up too badly. Life is too short for that. The next time you see some other mom’s brilliant fingernails, I hope you smile and kindly remind yourself that, mama – you are taking care of a million fingernails and toenails and details and little hearts, every day. You are loved, and no matter what, you are enough – today, right here, as you are.
What things make you feel insecure as a woman or as a mother? How do you practice self-compassion?
