How to Talk to Your Kids About Race

“Mommy, why don’t we match?”  Crash! That’s the sound of my heart breaking as I realize that my daughter’s innocence about race and racism is now over.  Now, please understand that this is not the first time my daughter has noticed or mentioned skin color and I’m sure it won’t be the last.  However, it was the first time that I was concerned about how she was interpreting race.  Has someone told her that she and her mommy don’t share the same skin color?  Was it an innocent child or a tactless adult? Is she embarrassed, ashamed or just confused?

My daughter is biracial and no, we don’t match in skin tone.  But the truth is, even if I married someone of the same ethnicity, there is a strong possibility that we wouldn’t have the same complexion.  Although my husband and I discuss race in our home, I realized I needed to up my game.  Let’s be honest, regardless of your ethnic or racial background, talking to your children about race is difficult.  In the book, Nurture Shock, scientists state that children begin recognizing skin color differences at age 6 months and by age three children begin demonstrating a preference for playing with children of a certain skin color.  Guess what? This happens whether you talk to your child about race or not.  The most important thing you can do to help your child navigate racial differences is by learning how to effectively talk to your child about race. So, here are my not-so-scientific tips.

How to talk to your child about race:

  1. Read books that explicitly discuss racial difference The Colors of Us by Karen Katz is a favorite in my house.
  2. Don’t promote colorblindness. If your child has good vision, then they already know they are color differences.  If they didn’t, they wouldn’t fight over the crayons!?!  If you want to promote color-fairness, explain to them that all people regardless of their skin color are equal and deserve to be treated fairly.
  3. Create opportunities for your children to learn about other cultures and make friends from those cultures. Take your child to some cultural fairs where they observe cultural dances and eat some different foods.  Maybe visit a house of worship that is cultural different from your own. These relaxed environments allow children’s natural curiosity to get engaged.  They will ask you questions and you can have a spontaneous discussion.
  4. Practice what you preach. You can’t expect your child to have friends from other ethnicities if you don’t have any.  Your child notices that if the only times someone from another racial group is your home is when the cable tv is being replaced.
  5. Be brave and honest.

Here’s a few activities that work well with the pre-K and elementary crowd:

  1. Take two white eggs and two brown eggs and ask your child about the eggs. Ask your child to predict the color of yolk, if there will be a yolk, will the eggs taste the same when cooked.  This is a great activity to explain that we are the same on the inside regardless of what we look like on the outside.
  2. Draw a self-portrait of your family. Talk about the differences in hair color, eye color, and perhaps, skin color.  Ask your child if they love their brother or aunt differently because they have different colored eyes or hair? Of course not, and that’s why we treat everyone the same.  Explain that those differences are caused by genetics and ancestry. Show them a world map and explain where the various people groups live. 

If you don’t mention race, you are forcing your child to figure it out on their own without your help to guide them.  Talking about race may be feel a little uncomfortable at first if you’ve never done it. But trust me, you’re modeling bravery and compassion to your child and that is something that will stay with them forever.

How do you discuss race with your children?

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