This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I am fed up with all of the articles and social media posts telling people to stop asking certain questions or saying certain things. I feel like moms have become an overly offended group of people who are supposed to be walking in our strengths. But, instead of rising up as strong women, we are actually staying right where we are by trying to control what everyone else is or is not allowed to say to us as mothers. I’m over it!
I am ready for us to seek first to understand and then own our motherhood stories. Let me explain…
“So, when are you having kids?
“So, when are you having more kids?”
Seek first to understand: I hear this question from Grandma Sue and dear Aunt Betty or even the lady in the grocery line as a way to connect with whomever they may be speaking too. It’s a conversation piece and an attempt to fill lonely space in some people’s lives. Maybe there is an unsolicited opinion involved, but it’s not an attempt to control your reproductive future.
Here’s how I own this: “No, I don’t plan on having any other kids. One and done for me. Oh, you think she needs a younger sibling to play with? Yes, that would be nice, but I really didn’t do well with pregnancy and going back to work when she was 10-weeks-old was really, really hard for me. It sent me into a sever functional depression that I couldn’t shake for years. My anxiety was horrible and I still experience the ramifications of working and being a mom. It’s not something I want to do with another child. Staying at home is not an option at this time.”
That usually shifts the conversation or the other person understands and shares her own experiences with postpartum.
“Wow your kids are close in age! Were you trying to get pregnant?”
Seek first to understand: I see this question as pure shock or curiosity. I also personally wonder if this situation is planned because I struggled so much with postpartum that I could not EVER imagine having kids very close in age.
Here’s how to own this: Be honest! Woman to woman, we can be strong and should be able to have these conversations. If you didn’t plan it, just say so. Say you are scared. Say you have no idea how to raise babies 14-months apart. Or say you planned it and LOVED having a sister so close in age growing up. Conversations connect and stretch us. Own it!
“You have so many kids! You do know how that happens, don’t you?”
Seek first to understand: Again, pure shock. Old person sarcasm. Feeble attempt to be funny. But again, the person is more than likely just trying to connect in a world so disconnected. Not everyone has the toolkit for appropriate social norms to just compliment you on a beautiful family.
Here’s how to own this: Say, “Why yes, I know how it happens. We are so thankful for everyone of these blessings… except for this one. Right here. We want to send him back.” And point to the kid who is actually the best behaved.
You are too young to have 3 kids!
Is he your grandson?
Seek first to understand: I think any comment on age is just because the person, again, has no toolkit for social norms so curiosity gets the best of her. She wants to connect, but just says the first thing that pops into her head instead.
Here’s how to own this: I know it’s amazing isn’t it! I am so lucky to be able to be so young while they grow up. It’s going to be the best when they start having kids. Or… He is my son! I am so lucky to be able to have this blessing again in life. Life is so good.
Social media. Grocery line confrontations. Extended relatives. In general, people are just looking for connection and don’t always say the right things or what we want to hear. No matter who is commenting on your motherhood, it’s time we stop being offended. We are strong women! Let’s own our motherhood stories. Own your joy. Own your pain. Own your choices.
Own your unique story. You never know who it will touch.
