We were so excited when we made the decision to have a child together. We prepared and planned. We knew what kind of space we wanted and we created it. We kept it quiet at first though, we didn’t want the pressure of everyone knowing we were trying to conceive. Six months came and went but we weren’t too worried. At a year, we started to grow concerned and we approached the doctor about our problem.
He wasn’t too worried. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS} so some difficulties are to be expected. So we began the first round of hormones. The results were interesting. I was miserable but I was determined to ride it out. The first month I cried over the most insignificant things. It was an adventure. I just kept reminding myself of that.
I spent a year on various doses of that particular hormone. While my husband stressed out about the possible side effect of multiples. I struggled with overactive emotions and sore breasts. It was the longest year of our marriage. It was hard. We fought. I was on an emotional roller coaster created by the hormones. Looking back, I’m amazed we didn’t fight more and I am amazed at my husband’s resilience.
After a year on that hormone, they sent me in for a test to make sure there wasn’t a blockage in my fallopian tubes. The procedure was uncomfortable. My body reacted poorly to the dye they used. I spent a night feeling like I was full of water sloshing around inside me. I cried. I gritted my teeth and reminded myself it’s an adventure on the path to having a baby.
We’ve been through three more years of hormone treatments. I’ve been hopeful and disappointed in turn. I’ve tried to smile and be happy while the women around me have announced their pregnancies, threw baby showers, and delivered their babies. It’s an adventure, and I’ve tried to stay strong. It’s not easy. Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this adventure.
Time hasn’t made this easier. I wish for my own child with a fervor I can’t explain. I take joy in seeing all of the new mothers, I wish nothing but the best for you and your new family. I cherish each moment with you and yours but some days, I just can’t.
Please understand, it’s not that I don’t want to hold your child. The problem is me, I’m just not strong enough. The problem is that more than anything I want to be exactly where you are. Please understand that when I see you holding your child and I turn away it’s so that you don’t see the tears on my cheeks and the jealousy in my eyes. I don’t want you to see the embarrassment that burns hot on its heels.
Some days it’s okay. I can hold, hug, and cuddle babies as much as I like. Other days just being in the same room is almost too much for me. My heart aches with the desire to have a child of my own. Sometimes, it aches so much I can’t stand it.
I do my best to smile and congratulate my friends and family as the baby announcements seem to pour in. If I seem distant, it’s only because I’m trying not to rain on your day. I’m happy for you but my heart aches just the same.
Life is an adventure. We can only take it day by day. Some days we have to stand in the rain so that we can see the rainbow.
