Before meeting my husband in 2012, I never saw myself having children. Flash forward to now; being a mom of two, I could never even imagine not having children. It’s funny how life does that to you. In 2017, we welcomed our first son. He was beautiful and I cried once they put him on my chest. He was perfect. Once we brought him home, it was great for the first little while, but then life happened. My husband went right back to work on the farm {two days after we got home} and I went back to work part-time after four weeks and full-time when my son was ten-weeks-old.
Life with a newborn while working full-time really took its toll on my husband and I. On top of it, we were exclusively breastfeeding our baby, I did ALL of the night feedings. Sure, I could have pumped more and asked him to take some of the load, but I felt like it was my responsibility. {I know now that this was silly!} I was also pumping most of the day to provide him with milk for daycare, and honestly, I didn’t want to deal with an extra pump or more bottles. It was a personal choice, one that I don’t regret. Still, it did cause a lot of unnecessary turmoil for our marriage. I was bitter, primarily because I also worked full-time, and I had our son to myself until my husband got home late at night and did most, if not all, of the night duties. To say it was a rough six months would be an understatement, but we did find our groove… eventually.
Through all of this, I loved… LOVED being a mom. I still love being a mom and I don’t think that will ever change. I love the smiles, laughs, new milestones, and sharing my time with my son. I knew at a year that I wanted more kids. I was shocked I felt this way! It really wasn’t that hard to convince my husband {he always wanted two}. With us on the same page, we decided to expand our family again, and we were so excited for the next chapter.
Now that we have officially finished our second pregnancy and have two kids at home, I could do it again. Crazy, right? We agreed that this would most likely be our last before we even got pregnant with our second. Now that our nugget is here, I forgot how amazing the newborn stage is. I love every second of it. I love watching our toddler love his little brother, and I love the snuggles and the bond we all share. I didn’t know my heart could be so full.
I think almost every day that we could totally have a third.
I confessed my feelings to my husband. He laughed, hard. He said, “We only have two bedrooms besides our own.” He doesn’t want our kids to share a room because as a boy, he had to. Silly husbands. He then asked if I remembered telling him {after I pushed out our nine-pound baby} that I was thankful I would never have to do that again. I don’t. It’s amazing what you forget or choose to remember.
I had beautiful pregnancies. Sure, there were hiccups and bumps along the way. With my first, I got into a utility vehicle incident while working {the Gator met a large hole while I was driving and six months pregnant}. With my second, I was anemic, which caused some scary heart palpitations. I was also blessed with great labors {as great as they could be}. Why wouldn’t I want a third?
I think to myself… will ever experience pregnancy again?
Most likely, the answer is no.
So, maybe it is time to say goodbye to pregnancy.
Know this, I will miss you.
Before I say goodbye, I want you to know that I enjoyed the experience and the lessons that you have taught me. Through each pregnancy, I learned something different. With my first, I learned that my body is capable of things I never thought were possible. I also learned that a nap can fix most things and that watching your husband turn into a father is truly amazing. My second pregnancy taught me even more. I learned that the capacity to love grows exponentially to accommodate that second soul. I learned that I can survive a full-time job, toddler, and pregnancy with far less caffeine than I anticipated and that I loved bringing life into this world. I will cherish those lives for the rest of mine because my children are an extension of myself. They are my heart living outside of my body.
I will miss the perfect skin, hair, and nails. I will miss the secret that my husband and I kept until we were ready to share. I will miss the excitement, anticipation, and possibilities that come with pregnancy. It’s hard to imagine I will never feel the little butterfly first kicks again, but I will miss those too. I will miss growing another life and how that love grows with each second. I know my husband is done having children and I think I have to come to terms with it. I don’t think I will regret the decision of only having two children. Our family does feel complete. I love my boys and I know they will love me unconditionally because that is how I will raise them.
Though I may never experience another pregnancy, I will always cherish the memories.
