Grandparents aren’t immune to jealousy. Or competition. They are humans, after all.
Does one set of grandparents live closer and see your kiddos more? Is one more wealthy and can afford more? Can one set physically be there more for your kids? Does one set like to spoil grandkids just because they couldn’t spoil their own kids? Sure. Honestly, the jealousy and competition-inducing list could be endless.
The competition is a struggle.
Every birthday I hear the same things. “What do I get the kiddos?”, “What is grandparent ‘A’ getting them?” IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I mean, shouldn’t they care more about what they need? Kids grow like crazy; buy a freaking t-shirt or jeans. They also eat a ton and love snacks. Do something together. Whatever I honestly don’t care. But I do care about people turning a relationship with my children into a competition. It’s not, and it never will be.
When did grandparenting become so competitive? I have no idea, but it’s a thing. Was it like this for my parents? Has this always been a thing that parents just didn’t know about? Some unspoken grandparent rule that they always have to outdo each other? Sure does seem like it.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to be upset when they are showering your children with love, but when it’s material items that must be bigger and better than the last, it gets old. It seems like it’s for the wrong reasons, and I’m not sure I love it. Okay, I don’t. I don’t love it at all. It just kind of makes me angry.
First of all, I don’t want to store a giant art table that they are three years too young for. Second, I don’t want to clean up after the 20 gallons of slime purchased for a two-year-old. Third, I don’t want to be the bad guy, but they are purposefully turning me into one {because mama isn’t gonna let them play with that stuff often!}.
This isn’t all about gift giving either. This is just one of the “small” competitions between grandparents.
I heard Grandma A ask my kiddos the other day if she was their “favorite.” Know what the answer was? My five-year-old looked her in the eyes and said, “No.” Did I laugh? Heck yeah, I did {quietly to myself, of course}. She set herself up to be hurt. Immediately after the kiddo said no, she started to say hurtful and guilt-inducing comments and phrases. Not cool, not cool at all. This led to the same kiddo asking me if I had favorites, which killed me. No five-year-old should have to pick a favorite grandparent. They shouldn’t have even been put in that position.
Is it our responsibility as parents to fix this issue? Maybe not. But there are things we can do to help the grandparent see that this isn’t the healthiest situation for our kiddos.
Communicate with them about your feelings
You have to be willing to go out of your comfort zone. Tell the grandparents how you are feeling about the situation. Be open and honest. This also might help set boundaries.
Tell them they are loved
Kiddos always love their grandparents. They don’t have to be the “Favorite” or the “best.” They are unique, and each brings something different to the table. Remind them that they are important just as they are. It is also essential to talk to your kiddos about this; sometimes, they don’t understand that sometimes the things they say can be hurtful.
Gifts don’t equal love.
I get that some people’s gift-giving is high on their love language list, which might be something you have to learn to deal with. I am like this, so I can be guilty of this sometimes, But giving someone something “bigger and better” doesn’t mean that you love them more.
Set a limit for spending
This one is tricky. The grandparents have to be willing to follow the rules, which we all know grandparents love bending the rules.
Give feedback or make lists
I have a family member that sends lists of ideas for every holiday and birthday. It might be a bit much at first, but I appreciate it because it takes the guessing out. I have even started doing this for Christmas, which has curbed some of the issues we usually face. I also always like to slip into conversations some things the kiddos need. *cough pants*{Where do all the holes come from?!}
I don’t think there is an easy out to this situation. I think it will always be a work in progress, but hopefully, over time, it gets better. Keep in mind that sometimes this can be a delicate thing. Tread carefully and respectfully.
