Shared Custody: Struggles and Wins with Co-Parenting

“Making the decision to have a child– it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” ~Elizabeth Stone

I have shared custody of my daughter with her biological dad. Other parents always say to me, “How lucky are you, getting a break every other weekend! I wish!” It’s funny because although my daughter is not with me when she visits her dad, she never leaves my thoughts and I do not stop worrying about her.

As I sit here, the Monday my daughter returns from visiting her biological dad, I wonder what I will be dealing with once she wakes up to start the day. Shared custody is super tough. Visiting is hard on my kid and my entire family. She is always missing something on weekends she visits. Over the summer Father’s Day and her dance recital fell on the same weekend. After the recital, instead of celebrating with my husband and myself {who both worked the curtains for her shows}, my kid went with her biological dad. She was exhausted still when she came home to me.

My ex and I do not get along, hence why we did not work out. I tried, for years to at bare minimum make an agreement about the care of our daughter. We still struggle. Every other weekend. Every other holiday. Oh, Christmas? How sweet?! Yep, we share that: one year is my holiday, one year is his holiday. The one who suffers the most is my daughter.

Our legal agreement is specific: since we couldn’t agree, we stick to what it outlines. Basic, every other weekend visit to her dad’s, every other holiday by even or odd year, and split school breaks. There are a few other small stipulations but these are the bones of the agreement that we work with.

The hardest part has been making my daughter live two lives between two houses when she only wants one. It is heartbreaking.

There have been tears and screaming about going. Some days she happily travels. It is a long drive, we do not live in the same city, and that may be easier if it changed or not. I have also set my calendar and include my kid’s biological dad in her events so she doesn’t miss as much. During the school year, it’s nuts! Birthday parties, dance and girl scouts……we stay busy. I am proud to say this year with the best Google calendar, we had fewer issues and my daughter missed less fun events.

Our blended family is a work in progress.

I bought two father’s day cards this year so she could give one to each of her dads. They are both loved by her, in different ways, just as they are different men. We do our best to share events and keep weekends fair since our home life is busy with school and extracurricular activities. Weekends are still our downtime. Sharing a child is so tough, thankfully she is such a great kid! I always tell her she is lucky to have more people to love her, and I really mean it! I am so grateful for all the parts of her family that love her as well.

Our extended families also struggle with time spent with my daughter, which is limited. There is my family, my husband’s family, and my daughter’s biological dad’s family. My daughter got to say hi to her grandparents who attended her recital, but there was no celebratory dinner afterward. During the school year, that means less time to visit grandparents as well because weekends are shared. We do our best to keep our time with our child divided as equally as possible.

Amazingly, she is a well-rounded, kind, sweet and sassy kid. In the throes of my divorce, my therapist told me as long as my daughter has one good solid home she would be fine. I am so thankful for that advice, as she continues to be more than fine.

Share your shared custody trials and wins below. I love connecting with other moms who deal with sharing custody. Just know that you’re not in it alone!