It’s not your job to discipline my child. It’s mine.
It was my daughter’s second birthday party. The sun was shining, the house was festive and full of love, and best of all, my daughter was having a blast. She twirled in her pink party dress, bopped balloons around, and fully embraced all that being two years old has to offer.
Everything was wonderful. Until someone else stepped in to discipline my child.
So many times throughout that day, I tried to recall how her tiny body felt in my arms not so long ago. Within two hours of her birth, I knew she was a strong force and that she would change the world for the better. Throughout the past two years, she has never proven that hunch wrong. I smiled at how much we have shared together, and how much she’s grown and learned. Despite living in a pandemic for much of her second year of life, she has continued to sparkle with positivity and light.
I was having a wonderful time. Until someone tried to discipline my child.
Midway through her birthday party, we brought out a big-girl birthday cake decorated in flowers and confetti. I modeled how to blow out the first candle – she followed suit with the rest. I marveled at how quickly she’s been sponging things up and how proud she continues to be when she learns new things.
Though it was a small family gathering, it was still chaotic. The birthday girl’s baby sister had been getting teeth rapid-fire and needed a lot of extra time and love from Mama, to which my older daughter has been extremely understanding. I was on the other side of the room, trying to console the baby. My husband was buzzing around trying to make sure everyone had what they needed. Everyone was happy, and everything seemed like business as usual.
Until it wasn’t. Until someone else stepped in to discipline my child.
I heard stern shouting, directed toward one of the kids, who were out of my eyesight. The way it was delivered, I assumed it was toward their child. I didn’t hear my daughter crying, but then again, she’s tougher than I am by far.
Then it clicked. The shouting and discipline was directed at my child.
The birthday girl, with whom we have been working closely on “gentle hands” with her baby sister and other kids, had brought out her rough hands. It was the perfect formula of a busy room, her favorite toys that she hadn’t played with in a couple of days, and her Mom and Dad not being right by her side to re-direct.
I passed the baby off, walked over to my daughter, and bent down to make sure she was okay. The “discipline” voice that was used with her was not one that often came out of my own mouth, and I figured if it had startled me, it most certainly had startled her. Her green eyes met mine, heavy, confused, and sad.
That’s when the mother bear awakens – when you see hurt in your child’s eyes. Especially when it’s their special day.
Was my child in the wrong in her actions? Yes. Had either one of us been by her side, it would have been an immediate time-out situation, birthday party, or not. Were my husband and I in the wrong by not being by her side to re-direct and watch? Absolutely. We take accountability for that. But it is our job to discipline our own child.
With the exception of those who have the sole responsibility of watching my kids on a regular basis, who have been given specific direction on how to stay consistent in our disciplinary approach, disciplining my child is not your job.
Disciplining your child is not my job, either. If your child does something out of line with my child and you’re in the room, I will continue to remove my child from the situation and trust that you will do what’s needed that fits in the framework of your family approach. If you don’t realize what’s happened, I will tell you. If you’re not in the room, I may give a gentle no, but I still refuse to cross into your lane of parenting unless you’ve given me explicit and direct permission to do so.
I agree with the statement “it takes a village.” However, the village has changed, especially in the times of this pandemic. A limited number of family and friends have seen our kids. We’re working really hard to make sure they grow into kind human beings, day in and day out.
As females, our perception is solid and is seldom wrong. In the moment of seeing and feeling the hurt in my daughter’s eyes, I made a mental note that my husband and I will do our best to be by her side as consistently as possible to correct anything in the future. Should this kind of event happen again, there will definitely be conversation and level-setting of who is allowed to discipline our child, and in what manner.
As a silver lining from this experience, I will be even more mindful of how I approach others’ kids, knowing how much work we’re all spending on them, especially in these trying times.
How do you communicate the line to your family and friends when it comes to disciplining your children?
