It’s not a child’s job to include everyone. I do my best to teach my children to be kind, to be responsible, to respect adults, and to be reliable. I will try to teach my children so many things, but one thing I will not teach my children is for them to cater to another child.
My children make friends on their own. I rarely intervene in their friendships, aside from correcting overtly mean behaviors. They decide who they mesh with and with whom they do not; they decide who they include and who they do not. I expect that they will go out each day as friendly and kind little people. However, I have not and will not force my children to beg another child to do the same. I read many posts about raising our children to include others and to raise your child to be the one that invites the children sitting alone to play with them. That is all sweet and wonderful, but what happens after that?
In my opinion, it should never be the responsibility of one child to always include every other child who is feeling left out. That type of expectation is unfair and cruel to both children.
Perhaps we should be teaching the child sitting alone to reach out and make friends. It is more than possible that the child sitting alone needs guidance from an adult, not from a peer.
None of this takes into consideration the misplaced gender roles we have for our children. When a boy pushes another child, we are quick to label it as typical behavior. If a girl does the same, she is labeled as a “mean girl”. Where do we step in as teachers, parents, recess aides, etc. and use these as teachable moments? Instead, many times, we gossip and label and blame the CHILD.
If my child is more social than yours, that in no way makes him or her a threat to a less social child. It also does not automatically place my child in the role of “helper” or force him or her to play with the less social child. It seems that while looking at the two types of children, adults forget that, especially at school, these two individuals are both children. They are both of similar age. One child’s social skills do not make them more or less important than the other. One child’s ability to maintain composure or hide their emotional feelings while at school over the other, does not make them less vulnerable to feeling sad or left out. A child who pushes back, verbally or physically when being picked on or taunted, is not a “bully”.
Rather than placing unfair expectations on our children, I suggest we choose to give them the tools to navigate social scenarios on their own or with the assistance of an adult who is present at the time.
We should be talking through the experiences with them, guiding them through how to respond, and reminding our children that their wants and needs are important as well. Should our children be kind and inclusive? Absolutely. Should they be taken advantage of and placed under scrutiny for not being kind and inclusive every walking moment? Absolutely not.
I guarantee the same moms sharing articles and blogs about children being left out, do not greet every person they pass during the day. I can almost guarantee that most adults do not go up to a random adult sitting alone at a restaurant and invite them to join their table. Why? Because it is socially unacceptable. It is unusual behavior and it is unfair to place that expectation on our children.
I hope that my children can find a balance between both kindness and confidence. While they are still learning, however, my expectation is that other adults in their lives remember that they are still learning, and navigating their way through a big world.
As parents, we should all remember that our children all have one thing in common: they are not adults.