If you’re a parent of toddler or preschool age children then I would guess you’re also experiencing the dramatic meltdowns. If not, what is your secret? Finding balance and the disciplinary actions that work for you and your child is not easy, it’s typically trial and error
From the toddler to preschool age, days can be filled with meltdowns, fits, frustrations, rebellion, power struggles, tears, timeouts and so on. When it comes to disciplining I definitely try to be persistent. It’s not always easy considering this phase in life is all about balance. Let’s get real, persistence is exhausting! As parents I think we all chose our battles, I know I do! Sometimes the right thing is, in fact, letting it go. But then, there are the times when we must teach a valuable lesson, be consistent until our child understands that a certain behavior is unacceptable. This in itself can be a tough feat!
One particular day was a monumental parenting lesson and moment for me. My sweet little girl was thick in a stage of testing my patience. I can tell you, I have a great deal of it, so it takes a lot for mine to run thin. On this particular day, it was very thin. I remember clearly thinking to myself that I was not letting this one go, this behavior of hers had become a regular occurrence and it needed to end. I had asked my little one to stop doing what she was doing, {no I don’t remember what it was}followed up by telling her very directly she needed to stop what she was doing, and after no progress, I followed up with the ultimatum of stopping or going into time out.
She tested, in fact not only did she test it but she pushed harder even getting aggressive. Defiance at its best. She yelled at me, she pushed me, even growled at me! That’s right growled at me! At that point, I hadn’t said much, partially because I was taken back and unsure how to react. So I simply took her hand and walked her into her room and sat her in her chair in time out. I firmly told her that the behavior was unacceptable and that we do not hit and scream at people and reminded her that she was told to stop. So far this little episode isn’t that out of the ordinary for a three-year-old, however, this is where things escalated.
This is where my lesson was learned. She at her powerful three years of age apparently was under the impression that if she didn’t want to sit in time out she didn’t have to. She worked at gaining the upper hand. It quickly turned into a battle of power. Now she was screaming because she was in trouble, not getting her way, her mom was mad at her, she was being disciplined and honestly probably not truly knowing what she was crying for or why this all started. Even I questioned what the actual issue at hand was!
Now, this little peanut is my fourth child so I’ve had some experience with the temper tantrums and rebellion. The response I chose at that time was no matter how many times she got up out of that chair screaming and running out of her room, I would take her hand or pick her up and set her family back in that chair! {Tips from my earlier years watching Super Nanny}! I continued to reiterate that when she calmed down and sat there we could talk, and she would then be able to get up. This went to the point of exhaustion for both of us. After a while of this, I planted her in her chair and I sat on the floor in front of her with my hands on her lap ensuring that she was not getting up out of time out. There we both were in time out! As we sat there she flared and screamed and kicked and hit. I yelled and enforced. It’s difficult as the parent to not get flustered in the moment, and to find a way to take a step back and find a rational way to deal with the chaos. At that moment the more worked up she got, the more worked up I got, in return making her more upset.
Soon she was in full-blown toddler fit crying so hard she was making herself gag, you know the one right? There was no going back to reasoning at this point she wasn’t just going pull it together, stop and serve her time out quietly. I finally relinquished. I was too tired for this and we were both too upset to make progress. It was time for a new approach. I would have to help her find her center again and me, my composure.
That’s when I looked at my little girl and said: “could we hug?” She dove in whimpering and sniffling trying to catch her breath. She sat in my arms for some time, collecting her self, calming down as we hugged it out. Once we were calm the tears and the whimpering stopped, composure was gained!
Sometimes you just have to hug it out! Little minds don’t know what to do with all the feelings they have and get frustrated trying to communicate them. I know but often forget my emotional responses feed my little one’s tantrums. Even knowing this, my kids often get an emotional response from me.
I also have learned that most tantrums and meltdowns come on my “bad days”. How often have we looked at our babes and said: “aw has it been a rough day?” Maybe it has been, but most likely it’s not their bad day. They feed off of our energy. The more tired I am, the more impatient I am, which usually results in emotional and quick response. Choosing my battles on days like these are often my best option which just means if whatever she is doing isn’t hurting her or anyone else then why bother? I’m tired and she is happy doing whatever she is doing! But when I do have to intervene, I now take the time to acknowledge her feelings as I reprimand or redirect.
Kids are much more receptive to acknowledgment. “Honey I know that you are having so much fun doing this, and it would be much more fun to stay and play but we need….or I understand that you’re mad because I made you come inside, but….” I’ve had much better results when I can acknowledge before the meltdown or as soon as the tears roll. When she is listening and we have an understanding we can then have a conversation. That’s when I can make my point and teach my lesson and most importantly she is able to receive my information. I also found in acknowledging her feelings more she is learning to recognize her own feelings so she can communicate and express them correctly.
So mamas, when all else fails, my advice, just hug it out!
