To My Sweet Child, on Your First Day of Daycare

My beautiful baby. Tomorrow is a big day. Your first day of daycare.

I have cared for you nearly every hour of your life since you were born. I didn’t miss a single first. It’s the type of blessing most working parents can only dream of, and it was my reality, thanks to a less-than-conventional work schedule. I can’t imagine very many people wanting to work nights, but it worked for me…for us.

I always felt bad for your dad for missing some of your major milestones. He didn’t get to wake you up every morning, help you get dressed, or feed you breakfast. He missed getting to hold you as you napped. It saddened me that he only got a couple of hours with you before bedtime, and I got the whole day; playing with you in the park, dancing through bubbles in the backyard, exploring the neighborhood together. I was there when you needed me for doctor’s appointments, and therapy visits, and your first trip to the dentist. For more than two years, it was me and you sweet baby, me and you against the world.

Yes, it was a wacky schedule, but it worked for us.

And now, in a world that is already crazy and unpredictable enough because of COVID-19, that schedule is changing. I’ve accepted a new job, and that means new hours and daycare. Our lengthy mornings together will shrink considerably. Our breakfasts will likely go from the high chair to the car seat. The hours we spent playing together will now be spent with new friends; friends your own age; friends who will develop and grow along with you.

And while I know in the deepest depths of my heart I am doing what’s best for our growing family, I can’t help but feel like I am somehow failing you at the same time.

Parenthood. It’s a riot. Just wait ’til you get there.

Parenting is probably the only job in the universe where you can feel like you’re swimming as gracefully as Michael Phelps, and drowning at the exact same time.

Each decision is plagued with this peculiar dichotomy of success and failure, sometimes back to back, sometimes all at once.

And that’s where I am, sweetheart. Less than 24 hours away from sending you off to daycare for the very first time, and I’m torn between being excited for the future and the promise of this new opportunity {for both of us}, and feeling like the absolute worst mother in the world.

My mind is swirling with no fewer than 98,000 questions. Will a stranger be able to love you and care for you the way I would? Will daycare be safe? Will the kids be nice? Will it be a nurturing environment to help you grow into the best possible tiny human you can be? Do they know you like your Uncrustables still partially frozen? Or that you love wearing crocs on the wrong feet? Will they dance with you to Bubble Guppies for hours on end? Will you be happy? Will they make you smile? Am I making the right decision?

I wish I had all these answers, or a crystal ball. I wish parenting came with a manual, or a guidebook, or an all-seeing Fairy Godmother. I wish there was some way to know. But alas, my child, there isn’t. Truth be told, I have no idea what I’m doing. Parenting is a dance where you make up the moves as you go. But I want you to know this…

daycareI love you more than anything on this planet. All that I do, I do with you in my mind and heart. I want nothing but your happiness and what is best for you. Always. Please know that daycare is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. Know that it wasn’t easy. That I lost sleep over it, and probably still will. Please know that I am just trying to do my best, to find a balance between being a successful professional and being the best dang mommy I can be. Know that it isn’t fair; to have to choose; to be without you; to feel guilty no matter what decision I make. Please know, if there was a way to be with you all day and still be able to provide you with the best possible life, please know that I would…in a heartbeat.

And sweetheart, when you see me crying tomorrow when we say our goodbyes, please know that I have never loved you more.

Love,
Your Mommy

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