Kindergarten Halloween Party, 2014. As a working mother, I make a note to leave work early to attend my son’s school party, feeling proud of myself because I have his costume and skeleton makeup all ready to go. I know if I leave right at 1:50 p.m., I will arrive before the treats get passed out. My usual mom guilt from missing a lot of school events subsides.
As I enter the building, I hustle down the long hallway making a mental note of how many parents are already there. “Hmm, must’ve started a little early,” I think to myself. Upon arrival at my son’s classroom, I notice the room is wall-to-wall with parents. Clearly, I am the last to arrive even though I am on time for what I was told was “party-time.” My mom guilt returns even before locating my son. I glance around the room to find him on the carpet before he sees me.
{To this day, I will never forget his obvious sadness.}
He is the only child in the entire classroom without a costume. He’s sitting near the back with his regular shirt and jeans on. My heart sank deeper into my stomach. I realized, even though I thought I had timed it all out and came prepared, this would be a “mom-failed” day.
As I rushed him into the bathroom to put his makeup and costume on he said, “Where were you?! We did the parade and I didn’t have a costume, Mom!”
“The parade? What parade?” I said, as if I didn’t feel bad enough already.
“The parade! Where we take a walk around the nearby neighborhood village and wave to everyone! I was the only one without a costume!” he exclaimed.
Oh jeez. The mom guilt really hit hard. I took a deep breath and sighed. Holding back tears, I said, “I’m sorry, son. Mommy didn’t know you needed your costume that early or I would’ve sent it with you. I’m really sorry.” Now clear to me that he was also holding back tears, I hugged him and told him I would try harder next time.
Looking back at the pictures of that day, you can’t tell under his skeleton make-up how upset he was with me. You wouldn’t know unless I told you the story of how I failed my mom duties. And all for what? Not knowing he would need his costume sooner? Listen, I get it. People will scoff and say things like, “Kids these days need to toughen up. When I was little we didn’t even have Halloween parties and all that junk. He’ll get over it.” And yes, considering my son gave me a giant hug this morning and told me he loves me, I have complete faith he has forgiven me for that day back in Kindergarten. But, I would be kidding myself if I claimed I would ever forget it.
You see, as a mother, as a parent in general, we question ourselves and our choices more often than anyone on the outside looking in realizes. We question our parenting, our lack of parenting, how much time we work, how much time we don’t work, if white bread will give our kids cancer when they are older or if we made the right choice of dentist, etc., etc., etc. The older the child the longer the list.
We don’t dare admit we have no idea what we are doing or that we have totally and completely failed our kids more times than we can count on two hands.
We don’t even want to tell our fellow moms. Some of us, don’t even tell our spouses. But maybe we should. Maybe we should make eye contact with another mom in those moments and say, “Wow, I really screwed that one up.” Perhaps it will be met with disdain, but I have a feeling that it would more likely be met with laughter. Maybe even a knowing, “Oh I’ve been there too…” followed by the story of her own total parenting fail.
It took me a very long time to stop second-guessing myself. Sure, I still do it and I know you do too. When our children fall ill, and we let them play on that germy jungle gym two days ago, we question ourselves. Was that really the best decision? But the truth is, it’s ok to have the final say and have it not always be the right move. It’s ok if the choice you make for your child today doesn’t work out for them {or you}. It’s ok to do it differently, or meticulously, or crunchy, or hands-offy or tiger-mom-y or vino-mom-y.
Parenting is not a walk in the park, it’s an obstacle course. We never receive real training, but embracing our failures or more importantly, talking about them, helps us.
So I’m challenging you, momma. The next time you make a gigantic, whopping I-want-to-hide-in-the-pantry-and-eat-a-pint-of-ice-cream mistake in parenting, tell another momma. If she passes judgment on you, tell a different one. Admit your faults until you find a momma who will say, “Oh dear, I’ve been there.” Keep reminding yourself that it’s totally okay to screw it up.
There is a silver lining in making mistakes. Even ones that cost our children their pride. It teaches them to show humility. And if our kids manage to learn the art of owning up their mistakes, I think the world will be better for it.
Go ahead, give it a try… share a time when you feel like you failed at motherhood.
