When I was five months pregnant with our twins, an emergency room doctor walked in the room and told my husband that she believed the lump he had was malignant. He was 32 years old. I looked at her and said, “wait…are we talking about cancer?” She nodded yes.
- His cancer, testicular cancer, was in one testicle and was non-seminoma. It had not spread outside of the testicle. He had one round of chemotherapy. A year later, he is doing well. He is cancer free. Despite being an “easy” cancer, it was the absolute scariest word for us to hear.
Cancer. We wondered how in the world would we ever explain this to our daughter? She was four at the time. She was my first thought when the doctor left the room. How would we tell her that her dad had cancer? No one should have to hear this about a parent when they are so little.
The following is a list of our approach to talking about cancer with our toddler given a diagnosis of Stage 1B Testicular Cancer. Our approach may differ for someone explaining a parent’s more advanced stage of cancer to their child:
- Prepare. We did not tell her immediately. My husband and I talked about what our conversation would look like and we waited until we were both able to talk with her without fear or tears.
- Keep it Simple. We were honest, using words she could understand. In our case, our daughter knew that her dad had been to the doctors a lot. We kept it simple, but HONEST.
Some phrases we said often: Daddy has been sick. The doctor said that daddy has a sickness called cancer. The doctor is going to take the cancer out. Daddy needs to have surgery, so he might feel sick, tired, and won’t be able to play like usual. The doctor might not be able to take out all of the cancer right away. If he can’t, daddy will need to take medicine that might make him feel sick.
- Ensure Their Safety. We explained that cancer is not like the flu or a cold, so none of us would catch it from her Dad. We repeated this often because we knew she was scared about getting sick, too.
- Do Not Give Too Much Information. We did not tell her details about grading and types of chemo offered. We did not explain the surgical procedure. However, if she asked, we answered.
- Offer a Safe Place. Every day, we asked her if she had any questions and reminded her that she could talk to us about anything.
- Inclusion. I planned a surprise party with her for her dad {or as we called it a “Ball” -we have an odd sense of humor in our house}. She made decorations, helped me cook, and we bought him gifts. The party was just us three and it was the night before his surgery.
- Be as Consistent as You Can. We used the same family members as sitters to give our daughter some consistency in the constantly changing world of doctor’s appointments.
- Provide Hope and Optimism. We named other friends and family members who had cancer and survived.
- Be Honest. My father-in-law died after a battle with esophageal cancer. Our daughter knew that her Papa had cancer and had passed away when she was 1.5 years old. This was a difficult topic to approach, but we had to explain that her Papa’s cancer and Daddy’s cancer were very different.
- Share Your Feelings. Something we did that is questionable, was to share our feelings with our daughter, too. When she expressed that she was worried or feeling sad, I told her that I was, too.
The other day, I asked our daughter what she remembers about her dad’s cancer and she said she remembers being worried. She said that it made her feel better to give him gifts and treats. As usual, unless there is something I need to tell her specifically, I let her lead the conversation. This one ended pretty quickly because she said it was making her sad to talk about.
The most important part of the entire process was that we tried to make sure our daughter knew she was loved and that she felt included in her Daddy’s care.
If you find yourself in a similar place, I hope that my insight is helpful, even if you do things completely differently from our approach. There is no easy way to explain cancer to your toddler. There is no perfect way to tell your child that their parent is sick. I guarantee that we failed in certain aspects and I am sure we excelled in others.
The only thing I am sure of is that we tried our very best to parent during a difficult situation.
