I hate to jump right out of the gates with a blanket statement about men but hear me out on this one. Most men are unapologetic and I am totally jealous.
As a strong, independent woman, I still feel the need to make excuses, apologize profusely, and make sure no one is upset by my actions {or lack thereof}. I also temper my reactions and make a conscious effort to be positive, so as not to offend anyone and keep the peace. My husband on the other hand long ago mastered the art of not giving a $%#& and I am STILL wondering when it will be my turn. Maybe it’s my people pleasing ways. Maybe it’s annoying gender roles and stereotypes rearing their ugly little heads. Maybe I just need to get over it. As infuriating as it can be to see his blasé attitude about certain things, deep down I’m thinking… how does he do it? I want in.
As a couple, we have achieved a comfortable balance in our home as most likely do. We share the load of household chores like dishes and laundry, and split others in an unspoken agreement that works for us {ex: I vacuum; he mows – I pay the bills; he cleans the litter box}. Yes, of course, I would LOVE for him to be so bothered by our pet hair covered floors that he plugs in the Shark and goes to town, but you don’t see me firing up the lawnmower when our backyard starts looking like a jungle. I, however, will apologize if I run out of time or energy to accomplish certain things. He won’t even bat an eyelash, because…well, que sera sera. It’ll get worked out eventually.
Outside of the home, men typically don’t feel bad when they’re not in the mood for a social gathering {be it with family, friends or coworkers}, yet women will tiptoe around the invite and come up with a reason why they can’t, versus just confidently saying NO and being okay with that. Chances are, we end up committing anyway because of worries like oh no, I can’t say that or do that, what will they think? I don’t want them to be mad. On that same note, men tend to not worry about disappointing someone with their choices. It’s simply the other person’s problem if their decision creates an issue or ruffles feathers. Women crave {and deserve} the same respect so badly yet fret too much about what people think to achieve that with true candor. We can’t get hung up on the fear of being labeled a B**** just for being direct and not sugar-coating our thoughts or feelings. The flip side is using sorry so much it lacks sincerity, which is not good either. It has become a catch-all word that we throw out far too often as a quick pleasantry that we hope softens the blow. I’m not saying we should stop apologizing all together, but we do need to be more conscious of using it unnecessarily.
I asked my husband to share his thoughts on this topic. He answered simply and honestly in his typical straightforward manner.
Most men are fueled primarily by logic and reasoning. If they can’t feasibly make something work, that’s that. Most women tend to base their decisions on emotion, so they instantly have more invested before they even choose their response.
Because of this, women hem and haw over things further complicating something that men see as simple. Sound familiar? Ugh, I hate when he’s right. {Not really, okay sort of…} The sentiment spills over into so many other facets of life too… parenting, the workplace, health goals, maintaining friendships, and all of the other layers and obligations we juggle. I’m pretty sure this is why we rarely talk about “dad guilt,” yet “mom guilt” runs rampant.
Help me change the course going forward.
Let’s start speaking our minds about the things that matter, without getting hung up on the consequences. No is a one-word answer. Let’s not internalize our decisions out of fear we’ll be judged or upset someone for going against the grain. Holidays too busy? Pair down commitments without regret. Workweek too draining? Take a rain check for a weekend engagement without feeling guilty. You are the captain of your own ship, steer it for YOU, not anyone else. Stop apologizing and do it fearlessly!
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