“You’re fat. You should lose a few.” “You’re an idiot!” “You really screwed up this time, didn’t you!” “You’re such a brat!” “Grow up and put your big girl panties on!” “You’re stupid.” “Get over it.” “Stop dreaming and get back to reality, little girl.” “You’re such a failure.” “You’re never going to amount to anything if you keep that up.”
Any of these sound familiar to you? These are phrases I often heard growing up. They came from the mouths of my very own parents. Any idea what those words did to me? Well, being someone who thrives on what’s coined as “words of affirmation”, those phrases were devastating. Let me get something out of the way before I continue; my parents aren’t bad people and I still love them. No parent is perfect. They raised my sisters and I the way they knew how – like their parents did. Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all technique for raising kids. What works for one, will not work for another.
As someone who thrives on positive words and constructive criticism, those phrases bred into a toxic view of myself. I thought I was a worthless, horrible person, not wanted and not loved. I let every word sink in and take root. I often took rejection as utter defeat. In high school, I cut and attempted suicide. Later, spun into drugs, alcohol, partying, and sleeping around to name a few things. Up until just over a week ago, I still believed that I wasn’t good enough. It was a rough day at home. I have a two-year-old and an almost three-month-old. My daughter was acting out and I was exhausted. My son was crying and I couldn’t handle anything anymore.
I called my husband, sobbing and saying that I couldn’t make it through the day. He angrily came home from work. I broke down and he helped me realize that my life was unbalanced. Frankly, that I was putting everything else above myself. I had been seeking healing from a broken relationship with my parents for the last six months and I had totally neglected to really evaluate my mental health. I was still believing that I wasn’t enough. That, as a mom and a wife, I wasn’t doing enough. I realized then I hadn’t dealt with the amount of rejection I had in my past. That it was leading to all of these insecurities and feelings of worthlessness in my life.
In a book I picked up recently called “Toxic Parents” by Dr. Susan Forward, it talks about 7 kinds of toxic parents. In the introduction, she wrote something that immediately stuck out to me:
When these children become adults, they continue to bear these burdens of guilt and inadequacy, making it extremely difficult for them to develop a positive self-image. The resulting lack of confidence and self-worth can in turn color every aspect of their lives.
Yikes. No wonder I was having issues. She goes on in her book to say that no matter how our parents’ actions affected our lives in the here and now, we have the choice to not let it all affect our future. That was all I needed to hear was that I have the choice to change it. The choice to not see myself as a weak little girl who was constantly being driven into the ground. I could begin to see myself as something I never have before; that I am enough. I’m worth it. And that I’m not who I was.
I say all of this to show you how much taking a step back and evaluating is necessary. That slowing down is needed. The dishes can wait. The kids can wait. Your hubby can, and will, wait. Your mental health matters most. Taking time each week for a breath of air is needed. Someone once said something very wise to me that rings true. “You cannot pour out what you do not already possess.” It all makes sense why I was having trouble balancing everything; I had no balance in myself!
Maybe you enjoy the coffee shop, the gym, the library, walking somewhere quiet. Find your niche. Something that makes you happy and intentionally causes you to slow down. Mine is waking up about an hour before my family and spending time with God and in my Bible. This may not be right for all of you but, this is what helps me find my peace and self-worth. For the sake of your mental health and well-being, do something for just you. Your family needs the best version of you.
What makes you happy and feel valued?
