First, let me start by saying that though I am failing, YOU didn’t fail. You have your own life. Of course, you missed some signs that showed how severely I was floundering. How couldn’t you?
I am tired.
I am sad.
I am quick to anger.
I am overwhelmed.
I am full of fear and hopelessness.
I am emotionally exhausting to be around.
Yes, you asked how my day is going. Yes, you offered to babysit. Yes, you offered to take me out for a night away.
Your offers meant well, but we both knew that you were hoping I would decline. Why? Because you are busy. You wanted an evening at home. You wanted to complete your tasks. I know how that feels. So, you offered, hoping I would decline, but at least you offered.
I am a mom.
I am a wife.
I am a dishwasher.
I am a laundromat.
I am a garbageman.
I am a lawn-mower.
I am a pet caretaker.
I am a friend.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am “me.”
In every job description for the title of “me” – I am failing. This is not your fault. I am not sure if it is anyone’s fault but my own. Either way, I am failing.
My comments lately consist of jokes about running away or hiding in my basement while the world keeps on spinning around. You laugh these jokes off with me, but we both know they are the truthful representations of how I feel.
What are you supposed to do? I have no clue how you can help me right now. That’s my honest conclusion. I do not want you in my dirty house, judging me. I do not want you helping with my parenting, making me feel like more of a failure as a mom. I do not want you to babysit so I can have some “me” time. I mean, read my description of “me” above. Why would anyone want to spend time with “me?”
Despite how terribly low I feel, thanks to you, I do know a few very important facts:
I am a good mom. I’m just struggling.
I am a good wife. I’m just struggling.
I am more than just a dishwasher.
I am more than just a laundromat.
I am more than just a garbageman.
I am more than just a lawn-mower.
I am a pretty good pet caretaker.
I am doing the best I can to be a good friend.
I am a good daughter. I am just struggling
I am a good sister. I am just struggling.
I am “me” and I am doing my best to live a life that has tried to knock me down, while I was already down one too many times.
- “You” – It is not your responsibility to know every detail about how I am feeling. You are a great friend, mother, daughter, sister, husband, brother, neighbor, etc.
- “Me” – I will not be defeated by the part of my mind constantly telling me to give up. I will push forward and I will succeed.
So, no. I will not quit. I will continue to look my demons in the face and laugh.
