Isolation feeds my depression. Inside of it, I wallow and the emptiness drags me deeper and deeper into a hole of hopelessness and sorrow.
It is in that deep, dark place of loneliness, where I lose my every will to move. I sit, alone, and empty, wanting nothing but to hide from life.
The pandemic forced more isolation. My depression caught on quickly.
She’s home.
She has no friends.
She has no support.
She is alone.
She is right where I want her: Isolated. Sad. Scared. Anxious. The perfect combination for depression.
For a long while, I listened. I drank more alcohol. I slept in as late as I could. I cried, a lot. I still cared for my family, while figuring out how to do the bare minimum to ‘get by’ as the days passed.
This little spark of depression was now a wildfire, burning out of control. The more I self-quarantined, the stronger it grew. Days that pre-COVID would have been easy to attack, became impossible. I could not breathe without worry. I could not get out of bed without dread. I found myself in a place that I have never been in before and I know that I am not alone.
I will not downplay the current state of our world. I will not dispute the health requests to be socially isolated and distant. However, I will say this: mental health is important, too. We cannot continue to avoid accessing help when we need it.
Isolation was the gasoline to my fire of depression, so we broke quarantine. You can say it was selfish. You can say I am wrong. You can say that I should have just stayed home, done more video chats, found a counselor, and so forth. I did all of that. You can say I’m the “problem” with this pandemic.
I was sick, too. No, not COVID, so, therefore, I was told it did not matter. I was reminded that it was a necessary evil during this pandemic. I had to be “ok” with being sick because I was doing my part. I had to wait.
For 42 days I listened to the stay-home orders, despite the impact it had on my mental health. On day 43, my visit with friends gave me a little encouragement to look forward and to fight my way back out.
You are not alone. Isolation fuels depression for many of us. Your health matters, too. We will get through this. But in the meantime, do not ignore your needs. Find a counselor, call a friend, and please talk about your feelings.
