To my beautiful firstborn, now a big sister –
You are the one who made me a Mama. You are the one who has been so incredibly patient with me over the past 16 months as I’ve tried to figure this motherhood thing out. You have shown me that there is no figuring it out, that you can only love hard and try your best. You have always made me feel like I am enough, even when I don’t feel that way.
We have been blessed to spend nearly every day together. You’ve shown me life through your eyes, so bright and new. You have taught me to slow down, fully take the moments in, and not worry about the stuff I cannot change.
Over the past several weeks, I have tried my best to slow time down, to soak all of you in, to memorize every bit of your littleness and love. Although I excitedly anticipated meeting your baby sister, my heart twinged a bit every time I thought about our one-on-one adventure days soon changing.
Last week, Mama’s water broke during a visit with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma was rocking you to sleep for your nap when that happened. I left knowing that both our lives were about to change, drastically. I mourned not being able to fully explain to you what was going to happen between that point in time and the next time I would see you.
When we brought your little sister home, you came to meet her shortly afterward. Mama couldn’t hold back the happy tears when you entered the room after three days of being away. Mama was also astonished at how grown up you looked – from your hands to your feet. Many had told me how shocking this would be, but seeing you after meeting your sister made it a reality for me.
Tonight, as I rocked you to sleep, I cried hard. Not because I’m sad. Because I’m so very proud of you. Because I look up to you so much. I sang “You Are My Sunshine” ten more times than I normally would have, then cuddled you as close as I possibly could. I wondered how after only 16 months you seem so grown up. So smart. So passionate. You feel so grown in my arms, yet you feel so small and fit so perfectly.
You have been a big sister for a week, and have only known her for four days. You have been so gentle with her. Despite only having 16 months on this Earth and not a lot of experience with tiny babies, it’s almost as if you instinctively know that she’s fragile and tiny. You have accepted her, given her loving pats, and watched over her. Even more, you have accepted me. You’ve accepted that being down with you on the floor is tough right now, and have adapted by bringing Mama books, puzzles, and other toys while she’s feeding your sister. You have not shown me disappointment or frustration; if anything, I have felt more love.
I can feel you soak in and cherish our time together even more. It has become more gentle, more close. We are adjusting as a family, adjusting as a Mama and daughter team, and I know our family of four will become our new norm. Seeing how wonderful you already are with your baby sister, I can see the two of you having a forever special bond as you grow and learn together.
Thank you for our 16 special months of one-on-one time together; months that I will forever hold near and dear in my heart. Instead of mourning the loss of this time together, I smile that we did so much during that time. You’re a big sister now. But you will forever be my first baby, my buggy girl, my strong and beautiful spirit. I promise we will still have special time together, and that we’ll show your baby sister how neat being part of this family is.
I love you, always.
– Mama
