“She never acts like that with me.”
“She was an angel for us!”
My husband and I are blessed with a great kid who sleeps 11-12 hours a night and still naps 2-3 hours every day, eats a wide variety of foods and plenty of them, and is very well behaved…for everyone, except me. I usually laugh it off and say something like, “I’ll take a million tantrums at home as long as she behaves in public and for other people.” But in reality, it hurts and it makes me question my ability to parent altogether.
“Why doesn’t she behave like that for me?”
“What I am doing wrong?”
I’ve read articles on this issue that mention I’m her “safe space,” where she can be vulnerable, and that’s why it seems like I always get her at her worst. I’ve read about the theories of what tantrums really mean. It’s great information, but it just didn’t seem to make me feel better.
Here’s what I’ve realized: It’s not me, it’s them.
It’s not that she doesn’t enjoy time with me, it’s that she is taking extra care to cherish her time with the people she doesn’t get to see often. If my husband says anything to our daughter in a tone that is even slllliiiightly angry sounding, she bursts into tears. I can yell at the top of my lungs and she could care less. Not because she loves my husband more, but because she can’t imagine spending her precious time with her daddy being in trouble. She knows she’s got hours upon hours of time with mom so she doesn’t really care if I’m upset for a while.
Daddy, grandma, the babysitter… they’re all special people that she doesn’t get to spend as much time with as she wants. Me? I’m Mom. I’m always there. Daycare drop-off & pickup, dinner, bath time, bedtime, grocery shopping, dance class, etc. Unless I have an appointment or am sick, I am there 100% of the time.
Let’s also not forget that if she’s behaving well elsewhere for a short while, but spends most of her time with me, she must have learned that behavior somewhere, right? I must be doing something right!!
So, the next time I pick up my daughter from grandma & grandpa’s house and they tell me she was “perfect the whole time,” I’ll try to remember to be grateful that she was able to spend time with them and also that I am able to spend so much time with her, because I know not all children are able to do those things. Then I’ll give myself a little pat on the back for somehow teaching her this mysterious good behavior. Or maybe it was Daniel Tiger. Either way, one of us deserves a glass of wine tonight.
