Why Do Some Grandparents Judge Generations to Follow?

I took my son to a playgroup recently where the preschoolers and tots naturally congregated around the sand table. It’s a weekly favorite not only because the kids love digging and exploring in the damp sand, but also because they sense what a real treat it is to make a catastrophic mess indoors.

The parents, grandparents, and caregivers hover around making sure the bulk of the sand stays out of everyone’s eyeballs and the kids are taking turns around the crowded table. Small talk always ensues among adults. It’s as much a treat for us to engage with other adults as it is for the kids to trash the carpet.

As I was listening to the chatter on this particular morning, I noticed a few grandparents huddled together. I heard one inquire about the other’s grandson, wondering if he was too old to still have a pacifier in his mouth. The baby looked maybe 18-months-old. Shaking her head, his grandma replied, “I told his mom to take it away months ago. And she wonders why he isn’t talking yet.”

I met eyes with another mom and we shared a knowing glance, raised our eyebrows, and took a long deep breath on behalf of a mom who wasn’t there to defend herself. A mom who was undoubtedly doing her best. A mom who had trusted the most precious thing in her life with this woman who in return publicly judged her and blamed her for her child’s speech delay.

The injustice of the conversation floored me. I wondered, why are some grandparents so judgmental? They fight us on pacifiers and car seat safety. They question our use of high tech gadgets. They clutch their pearls at our kids’ proper use of anatomical language. They roll their eyes, purse their lips, and side-eye our respectful approach to discipline.

But why?

Are they worried that our generation doing it differently suggests that their generation didn’t do it well just because “everyone turned out fine?” Because let’s be honest, not everyone fared so well rolling around station wagons without seat belts or stuffed in large puffy coats in their car seat. We’re doing it differently because we have the technology to keep them safer than we have in the past. Surely we can agree that child safety is a top priority and not a slight to anyone’s parenting.

So why the judgment?

For every grandparent sighing loudly and shaking their head at a kid with a tablet in their lap, is another who sat their own kid in front of Sesame Street, Barney, and/or a library of Disney videos for decent stretches of time. Many grandparents even admit that had the technology been available 30 years ago, they would have used it to their advantage too.

Then why judge us?

Previous generations have been less comfortable using anatomical language around kids and opted for nicknames instead. We’ve learned that using proper names helps kids develop a healthy body image, protects them from sexual abuse, and gives them the correct language for understanding human bodies and asking questions about their own development. Seems like we have everything to gain by saying “penis and vagina,” so why do they audibly cringe when it comes out of our preschoolers’ mouths?

We hear an entire generation hollering, “spare the rod, spoil the child!” I can say from personal experience I don’t feel like a better person having been spanked as a kid and therefore don’t spank my own. And they’re pretty good kids! There is an ever-growing body of research that reveals physical discipline can have lasting harm on children, including making them more aggressive in the long run. Yet the previous generations’ insistence that corporal punishment would resolve behavioral problems in “kids these days” is ubiquitous.

Why?

We may never know the answer until we become grandparents ourselves. And hopefully, by then we remember that every generation knows a little better and chooses to parent differently than the one before based on their experience and the information and technology available. We can also agree we’re ALL just doing the very best we can for the little ones we love so much.

Grandparents, the fact that we want you to be an integral part of our lives and our children’s lives should tell you how much you’re valued. We know you did a wonderful job of raising your kids. All we want is a judgment-free chance to show you we’re doing the same.