Almost immediately after having my son I started getting the question from well-intended people, “So, when are you having another one?” I would fumble my words and eventually get around to responding with, “I am not sure that we will.” I would instantly be met with, “Well, won’t he be lonely?” …Perhaps?
Truth be told, I’ve struggled with this question for a long time. I obviously don’t want to purposefully set my child up for a lonely existence. We love him fiercely and want him to experience life to the fullest. But our journey to parenthood was long and hard, and the last thing on our minds in those first few years was traveling back down that road. So my response to the question of the “lonely only” is this…
Loneliness is not a good enough reason to bring another person into this world. If we add any more children to our family it will be because we believe our family to be incomplete and want it to grow, not for the sake of reducing the likelihood of our son being lonely.
The fact is I am certain that he is at times lonely. But, who isn’t? I live in a house with two other people and feel lonely at times too. My husband and I both have siblings and can each recall times of loneliness throughout our childhoods. Life can be lonely no matter how big or small your family is. Loneliness is not a dirty word; it is a feeling that has to be worked through. Having a sibling doesn’t shield you from those feelings. My hope as a mother is that, when these feelings arise in my child, I can give him the tools and skills to sit in that space and work through that feeling just as I any others would. We can’t guarantee smooth sailing for our children in any area, including this one.
As mothers of one child or many children, I believe we do our best to model loving the life that we have.
Are there things that he is missing out on by not having a sibling? You bet! I am not arrogant enough to say that his life is perfect because of his only child status. But, it isn’t half bad either. Because he is our only child, we can focus the majority of our time, resources, and energy into one-on-one time with him. We invest heavily into the child’s life we have been entrusted with, and having one makes that a little easier. We go to playdates and preschool, we visit cousins and find friends at the park. There is no shortage of social experiences and we work hard to make sure he does life with people his own age and not only the adults in his world. My hope for my son as he forms friendships is that he chooses ones who will be like family.
I have childhood friends that are so intertwined in my life story they know me better than my siblings and have been through just as much life with me. Those deeply-rooted friendships were the catalyst for coming out of some pretty lonely times and although we may not have shared the same parents, we have done a lot of life together. I hope he finds his circle and keeps them close.
For now, this works for us, we have full hearts, busy hands, and a happy home. It feels to me like we are doing the best for him that we can. So, if you are a one and done family, that’s great! What a blessing it is to be a parent. Your family’s value is no more or less by how big it is. When someone asks you if your child is lonely, feel free to say, “Sometimes, but aren’t we all?” The gift of one is a gift no less.
I love this. We have been struggling for a while with whether or not to have another child. We always said we wanted two kids, 3ish year apart. The time came to when we’d have to start trying for that and we just weren’t ready. Then we had a surprise pregnancy that unfortunately ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks and we had a moment of clarity that we were happy how we were. The pressure to have another went away.
So many people say it’s better for your kids to be close together but I argue that it’s better for your kid(s) to have happy parents who aren’t completely overwhelmed. Whether we decide to have another kid or not, we know that we’ll make that decision based on what’s best for all of us, and not because of comments from others.