Editor’s Note: This is an open letter from one of our Mid-Michigan Moms, sharing her honest thoughts on boundaries, childcare, and friendship. Her words are a reminder that even in strong communities, communication and self-awareness matter.
My kids adore your kids—and I genuinely love that they have the kind of friendships where they can bounce between houses, play without a plan, and build easy, everyday memories. But lately, I’ve found myself in an uncomfortable spot. One that blurs the line between being helpful and quietly being taken for granted.
Here’s the truth: I work. My husband works. And because of that, we’ve made the very intentional (and not inexpensive) decision to hire a nanny. This is her job—her way of earning a living. She has responsibilities, structure, and expectations, just like anyone else in a paid role. We rely on her so we can keep our household running, and we respect her time and the work she does for our family.
She’s not just “around.” She’s not a shared neighborhood resource. She’s there because we planned for her to be.
And this is where the problem lies.
You have work to do, need to run out, or have somewhere to be for a commitment you signed up for—and suddenly, my setup becomes the backup plan. Because my nanny is already there, you ask if your kids can come down and hang out with mine, or if she can keep them a little longer since your sitter had to leave early.
Sometimes it’s a drop-off or pickup request for an extracurricular—because she’s already doing that for my family. And more often than not, we offer it up because why have two cars go to same place… but when its not on the table, the ask doesn’t even come to me. It goes directly to her, putting her in an uncomfortable position to either say yes or feel rude for saying no – because you you know she’s available and you know she’s there.
But the truth is, she’s doing a job she’s compensated for—not offering neighborly favors. And those asks start to sound a lot less like casual playdates, and a lot more like she’s working for you, too.
I know plans change. Life happens. My nanny is incredibly flexible and understanding. There have been times I’ve called her to help in a bind—even to support a friend. I’m not above needing help. And I’m certainly not keeping score.
She’s been with us long enough that she feels like a member of the family—and we love that. That’s how we prefer it. But when it comes down to brass tacks, she’s paid for her time. This is her job, her income, her livelihood. And that’s exactly why I feel the need to fiercely protect her from being taken advantage of—whether it’s intentional or not.
And no—offering to “give her a break” by watching my boys sometime doesn’t make it even. She’s still on the clock. I’m still paying her. What sounds like a thoughtful trade really just shifts the weight without covering the cost.
There have been days I’ve walked in from work to find your kids in my home, alongside mine, as my nanny finishes up her shift. I hand over payment for the day, while you finish yours—free of charge. It drives my husband nuts, and honestly? I get it.
These aren’t random one-offs. They’re well-timed asks that stretch what I’ve put in place to serve your needs, too.
And don’t get me wrong—I have the self-awareness to know this isn’t always one-sided. I know my boys run down to your house, too. But we both know that at any given moment, the person I pay to be there in place of me is ready to take them back, help with pickup, or handle whatever’s needed. It’s not the same thing.
There’s a big difference between both of us being home, managing the chaos with a little extra bandwidth—and one of us relying on a paid, scheduled plan so the other can get things done. A few extra kids running through the house on a Saturday is completely different from someone else’s childcare becoming your backup plan because your sitter left early or you forgot to plan ahead.
I’ve tried to mention it gently—that it’s becoming a lot. But the asks just keep coming in quieter ways. Smaller, less noticeable, but still leaning on my plan. My budget. My boundaries.
This isn’t about being rude or shutting people out. I love this village. I believe in helping each other. But help goes both ways—and my nanny isn’t there to absorb someone else’s lack of planning. She’s there for our family. Because we planned ahead. Because we pay her.
And while it’s easy to frame it as “our kids love being together” or “we’re all like family,” there are days where it doesn’t feel so mutual. Days where the load shifts just enough to land fully in my lap—and I’m not the only one noticing. When my carefully planned childcare becomes the fallback plan for someone else’s schedule, it stops feeling like good fun and starts feeling like something else entirely.
So if you’ve found yourself framing it as something casual—just the kids playing, just an extra hand, just a little overlap—please realize there’s a real person involved. A person who is paid to do a job, who shows up for our family, and who I compensate accordingly for her time, care, and effort. It’s not just a favor. It’s not just “help.” And when that gets quietly stretched to meet someone else’s needs, it stops feeling like a shared village and starts to feel like an imbalance.
