Mom Shaming: We’ve All Done it, Now Let’s Stop!

Mom shaming. Judging another mom on her choices, either silently or vocally, is unfortunately a common practice. I’d like to think I’m above such nasty behavior, that I’ve transcended this awful trend by virtue of becoming a mom myself. I fully understand how challenging being a parent is, and I get that we moms are not always our best selves for a myriad of reasons, usually with lack of sleep being at the heart of it all! How could I possibly judge another mom, when I get how hard it is? Yet, that hasn’t stopped me from occasionally questioning another mom’s actions, choices or {ugh!} even wardrobe.

It’s not a pretty thing to admit, but there it is: I’ve mom shamed. Even before I was a mom, I made snap judgments about other moms, and told myself that I’d always do this, or my kids would never do that. I know I’m not alone. There’s not a mom out there that hasn’t done the same thing. We’ve all been guilty of mom shaming, just as we’ve all been on the receiving end of it.

Last weekend, a mom I didn’t even know – that I had never even met before – made a comment about me in the changing rooms after swimming class. It went something like this: “Wow the mom actually showed up today for swimming class. Finally, her poor husband doesn’t have to handle all three kids by himself”.

Ouch! That comment certainly stung. I kept hearing the words “Actually showed up” in my head over and over again. I had just been Mom Shamed!

Oh, if Swim Mom even knew!

  • If she even knew that I’m with my kids all day, every day, absent school hours.
  • If she even knew that my husband’s work hours are such that he only sees our children for about three hours each evening.
  • If she even knew that I am basically the only parent on call all day, every week day.
  • If she even knew that, simultaneously, I wear the hat of short-order cook, taxi driver, diaper changer, classroom volunteer, tear-dryer, homework helper, hand-holder, hug-giver, comforter and cuddler, toddler jungle gym, and more!

Swim Mom had zero clue about me, or my life. She didn’t know that downtime for me is so incredibly rare, that Sunday is my day. It’s not even a day, really, but a few stolen hours where my amazing husband has offered to take the kids to their swimming lessons by himself, so that I have some time just for me. It’s the only time during the week where I am able to check off the million lingering items on my to-do list, to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, to catch a little break from the constant chaos of our three-kids-in-four-years life. Swim Mom didn’t know that I count on that time each week, that I need those few, quiet hours to reset and recharge, to literally catch my breath before another busy week begins.

She didn’t know, because she didn’t ask. Instead of offering a smile, a hello or even attempting to introduce herself, Swim Mom chose to observe and criticize what she saw. Because our children share a swimming class, and because she is a witness to an hour snapshot of my family’s life each week, Swim Mom made the snap judgment that I’m a mother who doesn’t show up. And she couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’m not perfect, but I’m definitely secure enough in my role as a mother to say that it would be hard to find a way to show up even more than I already do in my children’s lives! Truth be told, I think my little ones are glad to have a little break from me, and to have Dad be in charge for a few hours. On the weekends, he spearheads the extra-curricular activities. It’s “Daddy Time”, and it’s a special time just for them. I know our kids treasure this time.

But I shouldn’t even feel the need to defend myself. Swim Mom was judgmental, rude, and completely misinformed. Her words were shocking, not because she was right, but because she even thought it was appropriate to say them. Her statement stung because it was so nasty. But haven’t I made judgments about other moms too? I might not have been throwing darts from the adjacent changing room, and maybe I’ve never shamed someone so vocally, but I’ve definitely made judgments without knowing the full story. We all have. And frankly, it needs to stop.

Swim Mom’s words definitely made an impression on me. Yet, ultimately, her snap judgment didn’t offend me. Instead, the experience, albeit unpleasant, taught me a valuable lesson and helped me learn something about myself:  I’d rather be the mom who builds a bridge instead of a wall. Instead of judging, I’d like to offer support, or at the very least a knowing smile or a friendly hello to my fellow mamas in the child-rearing trenches. Wouldn’t you?

Mom life is hard! It’s equally wonderful and trying. It’s full of so much love and laughter, yet so much challenge and frustration. Just when we think we’ve got it all figured out, the rules and even the game change. And guess what? We’re all in it together, right in the thick of it, wading through the often murky waters.  So let’s stop making hasty judgments about one another. Let’s make a collective and conscious decision to play a little nicer in the sandbox, and stop mom shaming one another!

Have you been Mom Shamed? How did it make you feel? What, if anything, did the experience teach you?

 

 

 

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Welcome! I'm Courtney, Founder, and Co-Owner of Mid-Michigan Moms. I started this journey years ago, looking to connect women in their motherhood journeys with one another through sharing our collective stories. In my mom life, I wear many hats - swim mom, hockey mom, horseback riding mom, and more. Our family of five is busy, chaotic, and loud. We're also silly, kind, and a lot of fun. I challenged myself over three years ago to push past every possible fear and comfort zone to grow as a mom, and as a person. Starting Mid-Michigan Moms and being a part of leading this team has been an integral part of that journey. Our small blog has turned into a wonderful parenting resource, and I'm so proud of our amazing team! Welcome - I'm so glad you're here!