When my daughter was about ten months old, we attended the wedding of some friends out of town. I had bought a new dress, even though the nearest mall was an hour away and my cantankerous girl made trying on anything nearly impossible. I had lined up a sitter for the reception, even though I had only been away from my daughter for an hour or two here or there on occasion since she had been born. I was trying to swallow my anxiety about leaving her by focusing on looking forward to dancing the night away with my husband, like the carefree adults we hadn’t been in what felt like forever.
The wedding proved to be a beautiful event, but as I sat at a table in between songs at the reception, an acquaintance of my husband’s leaned over to me and said, “So, are you, like, just stay-at-home mom, then?”
I know he meant no ill will by his statement, but as his words hung in the air my smile froze painfully on my face. I instantly felt a boulder-sized lump in my throat and tears stinging the corners of my eyes.
“Just?”
I must have mumbled or nodded yes, and thankfully someone else caught him in conversation so I didn’t have to elaborate.
That word bounced around and around in my head that night and for months afterward. Just. Just.
I was still getting my sea legs in motherhood. I was like a newborn deer, still flailing around on spindly legs most of the time, daily growing more comfortable in the crazy new role of “mommy”, but by no means confident or sturdy. My daughter had yet to sleep for more than four hours at a stretch, and I was exhausted in every capacity – mentally, emotionally, socially, physically, spiritually. I questioned myself daily – “Is this worth it? Is motherhood always going to be this way? Am I a bad mother? Am I going to mess up my daughter? Should I be working full time instead? Why aren’t I happier? Am I wasting my college degree? Everyone else seems to have their act together – what is wrong with me?”
These questions still nibble at my brain from time to time, but just a few short years later, I feel a whole new mom. Maybe it is the blessing of time passing, of seeing that my daughter and now son aren’t too messed up yet, or of all the bumps and bruises I got as a new mom finally fading into compassionate battle scars, or of God answering my prayers and giving me encouraging moms to pat me on the back in these trenches of early, messy motherhood. Regardless, I’ve got sturdier foundations now, and I want to give you a pep-talk:
You are not “just” anything. You are just everything.
Whatever kind of mom you are, whether you stay home or go out to work, you are everything. You have sacrificed your body, your time, your chance at a quiet dinner, your brain, your dreams, your clean house, your relationships, your sleep, and your sanity to take care of this tiny, demanding, wonderful person. Every day, you do the hard things, the unselfish, the responsible things, to keep them alive. You dance backward is high heels daily. It’s thankless. It’s monotonous. But it’s also just pure joy sometimes, joy so pure and keen that it propels you on, night after night, day after day. When your fussy baby quiets in a second with a damp sigh against your neck, or your toddler won’t stop giggling as you chase her down the hall, or when you catch a glimpse of the adult they will be someday as an expression crosses their face, you tuck it away in your heart. And it gives you the hope to keep going.
You are everything. You’re a chef and chauffeur, maid and memory keeper, doctor and designer, mentor and magistrate. You are their safe place to land. You get to handle their big emotions and their small discoveries. You pray and protect and play and play and play with them every day. You don’t need to be perfect, you just need to keep on being there for them. You are always trying. You are a good mom. Keep it up.
The next time the word “just” comes to haunt you, from the lips of a friend or the mouth of a cashier at the grocery store, punch it in the nose. Stand on your sturdy sea legs of motherhood. You are so, so much more than “just”. To your little ones, mama – you’re everything!
Has the word “just” ever gotten under your skin? What things do you tell yourself as a pep talk?
Hi Katie, I just wanted to thank you for your uplifting message. A friend sent me a link to this post today. I started to read it this morning while I was making an extra special pancake breakfast for my 18 mo old daughter. I was having a wonderful morning, feeling grateful for recent good news and the fact that my daughter was sleeping in. I forgot to finish reading and as you described so well, life took over and got busy. By the end of my day I was so exhausted that I didn’t have it in me to do my usual nighttime routine with my LO. I was overwhelmed and needed a break. Luckily my partner stepped in and took care of things. I came downstairs and started beating myself up. Wishing I had handled my emotions better, had more patience, been more loving. I picked up my phone and saw your post that I started reading this morning. As I read on tears started streaming down my face. In that very moment your words spoke right to my heart and were exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. You really helped me feel better and to realize that all moms go through it.