How I’m Teaching My Kids To Set Personal Boundaries 

“Mom, I don’t like being called Mikey,” my 6-year-old confided while I made dinner. It struck me as pretty out of the blue because only an occasional family member or friend uses the nickname and he’s never batted an eye.

As I continued to sauté veggies on the stove, I told him that it’s ok if he says, “I like to be called Michael” when the situation arises. But I saw his little brow furrow and he shook his head no. He didn’t want to speak up because he knew they meant no harm by it and he didn’t want to upset them.

As a fellow people-pleaser, I understood his hesitance. It’s easier to go along with things that make us a little uncomfortable rather than risk hurting someone we care about. The problem is, this becomes a habit and eventually, little things turn into big things.

It led to an important conversation about personal boundaries. I let dinner stick to the pan and sat my son down at the table. If he felt comfortable coming to me, I didn’t want to squander the opportunity. Dinner could burn. I figured I could use a small thing like an outgrown nickname to practice for the bigger things that are bound to come along.

I explained that he can be nice about telling people he doesn’t like something. And when they care about him, it won’t hurt their feelings.

child looking out over the water, personal boundariesAs an example, I reminded him how he’d told me a few months ago that he doesn’t like getting showered with kisses from mom anymore. He’d protested once and from then on I began asking before planting one on his cheek. I assured him it doesn’t hurt my feelings when he says no and pointed out that I don’t push him to accept the affection. 

I wanted him to know how people who are safe and respectful act. I had modeled that for him, but it was only a start. A deeper conversation was necessary because we had never discussed how unsafe people don’t respect our personal boundaries.

It’s vital for kids to know it is ok to speak up when they don’t like how they’re being treated, talked to, and touched. They need to recognize when these boundaries are being pushed and know they need to push back. 

They don’t always have to be nice when it comes to defending their boundaries, especially if they’re not being respected. Teach your kids not to spare people’s feelings at the cost of their own comfort. Their comfort matters.

just say no, carved into a treeIt’s important for our kids to see us protect our own personal boundaries too. They’ll not only learn about situations that require them, but also helpful phrases to set them. 

“I’m not comfortable with that,” or “That doesn’t work for me,” are simple and pleasant enough. But my personal favorite is from Anne Lamott who said, “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

A clear and concise “no” wins for me every time. No further explanation is necessary.

While my son is comfortable expressing himself within our family, I can tell he’s not comfortable expressing it outside our home. So when the situation arises, I have no problem speaking on his behalf. “He prefers to be called by his full name now.” “He doesn’t like being kissed on the face anymore. He’d rather high-five.”

It’ll be an ongoing conversation with both my boys as they grow. But teaching them that the little things are ok to protest too is a good start. I want them to be sure enough of themselves to say no when the stakes are higher.

Before the rest of the family joined us at the table to enjoy our overcooked meal, I offered my son a hug and kiss. Without any pressure, without any guilt. And with no strings attached, he accepted. 

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