I am a Warrior Mama, but my loss still sucks. With loss, a piece of you is ripped out of your chest and never returned. You are left trying to learn what the new hole in your life means and how to fill it in a healthy way.
We all grieve differently when it comes to loss, and let me start off by saying you are doing a phenomenal job wherever you are.
Oftentimes, people do not see grieving moms as mothers as our children are not physically with us and that’s not fair. We are warriors. We are strong. And more importantly, we are mothers. Warrior mothers.
We go through major physical, emotional, and mental changes after a loss. You may not see each of those phases, but please know there is more than meets the eye when you meet a Warrior Mama.
Months 0-3 of a Warrior Mama
After delivery, I wore adult diapers for almost 2 months after delivery. I had to stop my milk flow. There are moms out there who donate their breastmilk to local NICU’s which is phenomenal, but I could not bring myself to do that. It was going to be too painful. I also took antidepressants {as much as I was against taking medicine} and that helped so much. I started attending virtual support groups {with You Made me Mom}.
Months 4-6 of a Warrior Mama
There are a lot of tears and there are a lot of days where I did not want to move. Within the first 6 months, we experienced a lot of ‘first’ holidays that we could not share with our daughter. Oh, did that hurt so badly. I did not want to see anyone and that’s okay. I did not want to talk to anyone and that’s also okay. Give yourself grace. I slowly started working out again and this helped work through my grief.
Months 7-9 of a Warrior Mama
I started to work again! I could not bring myself to work within the first 6 months of losing my daughter. I did not want to meet new coworkers and go through the “How many kids do you have” conversation. We also added our sweet sweet puppy Vader to our family.
Months 10-12 of a Warrior Mama
At this point, I was balancing a rollercoaster of feelings and working on not feeling guilty when I was happy. I honestly could not ‘mother’ our dog the first 3 months of his life. I would get mad at my dog for not being my daughter especially when it came to feeding him and cleaning up accidents. There were also good days of planning a little birthday celebration for my daughter. We baked cupcakes, took family portraits, and to this day, visit her headstone weekly.
Within The Warrior Mama Year
So many people cut me out of their lives.
From the moment I became pregnant, I lost a lot of friends. I was the only one pregnant in many of my friend groups and everyone assumed I was all of a sudden busy now that I was with child. While we are busy preparing, it’s not fair for you to assume I am too busy to make time for you during pregnancy.
Then, once our daughter passed, even more people fell off my radar. I did shut myself off, but I would eventually see who reached out. I would turn off my phone to give myself a mental break, but I made a note of who reached out. I have really learned to set boundaries for myself now. Meeting new people still really SUCKS as I can’t show them pictures of my daughter growing up, but I am feeling more comfortable talking about my Lynn Sofia.
Imposter Syndrome is so real.
I have found my tribe with Mid-Michigan moms. I truly have. But even to this day with ladies I have laughed, cried, and drank so much wine with, I feel like a fraud. I feel like an imposter with other moms. I can’t contribute potty training advice, I can’t give tips on breastfeeding, and I can’t share funny stories of my kid. I can’t do any of that. While I can be a friend and I can love on my fellow mommas, I do not know if this feeling will ever truly go away.
Looking forward…After loss
Baby announcements still hurt a little, especially if you are pregnant with multiples, but I am truly happy for you. Recognizing triggers and remembering that triggers can change over time will be important. Respect yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. Let people know when you are uncomfortable and leave that party if your anxiety gets to be too much. Do not think you owe people an explanation. Please know that there is no wrong or right way to define your family. Do what is best for you.
The hard days never truly go away, but you have survived so much.
You are a Warrior Mama!
