If I could have looked ahead to the future, I would have been able to breathe. I would have been able to comfortably and fully understand that everything would turn out “okay.” If I could have seen the future, I would have known that no matter what was thrown at us and at our family, we would overcome.
If the future was mine to see, I would have felt comforted by phrases that so deeply hurt. Optimistic comments of “it will all be okay,” or seemingly helpful comments of, “it could be worse,” would have been accepted and believed.
When life was falling apart, one piece at a time, I would have been relieved to know when. in the future, that the light would appear at the end of the tunnel.
At the time, I begged to know that the pain would not last forever. I prayed to see hope again in the future. Together, as a family, we lived one day at a time. We pushed through each moment in order to make it to the next. I fell apart on my own time because that is what moms do for their children.
I cannot pinpoint the exact moment and I cannot tell you how it happened, but one day, I looked around and the sun was still shining. I took a breath and I did not panic about the day’s events. I made it through a day without an anxiety attack. I went to bed and fell asleep, without fear, without worry.
If I knew in the past that this day would actually happen in the future, if I knew how this would turn out, I never would have let fear rule my life.
However, If I could have seen the future, I would not have grown. I would not be the person I am today. Strengths that I never knew I had, would never have been forced to break free.
If I had seen the future and I knew those good days were possible again, I would not appreciate the good days as much as I do now.
When the world fell apart, I learned to hold my breath, ask for help, and love harder than I have ever loved. I learned that each day, while it seems guaranteed, is a gift. The pain, the worry, and the unknown gave me a new outlook on life.
While I hated it at the time, I can honestly say I am thankful for the struggle. Without it, if I could have seen the future, I would still think life was mine to plan, play with, and control. Now I know the truth: Life is unexpected, and I’m just along for the ride. Despite that, I will hold on tight, and do my best to live and appreciate every single moment of every single day.
Not only is that what moms do for their kids, but that is what moms need to do for themselves.
