Recently, I was at a thrift store with my kids, perusing the book section when a title caught my eye, “Bringing Up Boys” by Dr. James Dobson. My son is only 1, by no means “brought up,” but ever since they cried, “It’s a boy!” in the delivery room, I have been quietly worrying about raising a boy. My oldest, now 3, is a girl. While I was totally overwhelmed when she was born because the entry into motherhood is just an unrivaled life transformation, the cry of “It’s a girl!” was met with a tiny shred of confidence. I am a girl. I know what they want. Boys? No clue. I needed this book.
It’s a wonderful read, especially the chapter entitled, “Chasing the Caterpillar,” which has stuck with me even months later. In it, Dobson talks about a French naturalist named Jean-Henri Fabre and an experiment he did on processionary caterpillars, who march in unison. Fabre had them march around the edge of a flowerpot, and they did so without ceasing for three days. On the third day, he added their favorite food – pine needles – to the center of the pot, but they instead continued marching for four more days until all of them died of starvation.
Dobson says moms today are like those caterpillars, and I agree. Moms have a huge load on their shoulders, working outside the home, making meals, doing laundry, keeping the house presentable, maintaining friendships, taking care of their own health, keeping their kids alive, pursuing hobbies, and keeping marriages strong, not to mention chauffeuring children to endless extracurricular activities. Just reading that sentence is exhausting. Have you ever met a mom who isn’t exhausted in some capacity? Being tired is like a mom’s creed. We are like those caterpillars, marching endlessly in a circle to the beat of our to-do lists, and never quite feeling like we measure up to the expectations with which we burden ourselves.
If you are anything like me, you feel the tremendous pressure to be outrageously busy, all of the time. It’s the American way, almost a badge of honor. The thing is, even though a busy lifestyle is the applauded norm, it’s not helping our kids. It’s not helping us much, either. While the run, run, run of our daily lives might give us some impressive lists of activities to flaunt in a yearly Christmas letter, it is leaving both parents and children frazzled and unfulfilled. In the middle of the whirlwind that is daily life today, it can be hard to imagine how to get our lives out of the tornado and into a place of calm, tranquility, and familial peace. Thankfully, just like the caterpillars were inches away from lifesaving food, the solution to our hectic family lives is just under our noses… we just need to slow. it. down.
Living a “slower” lifestyle in America is uncomfortable; it seems practically counter-cultural. You have to work hard to fight against the demands that swarm from other moms, from school, and from social media. My children are still small, and yet I still routinely feel vaguely guilty that they aren’t enrolled in swim classes or learning how to dance ballet because their 1-year-old and 3-year-old counterparts are. Whenever the question, “What’s new with you guys?” is posed to me, I feel ashamed if my reply is, “Not too much.” However, I’m working on it. It helps to keep the benefits of a slow life in the forefront of my mind – reminding myself that boredom is the birthplace of creativity (for both kids and parents), and that I want to be free enough that, if a friend or my child or my spouse needs to talk I have the time to be there for them, instead of flying out the door to make some appointment or another.
I don’t want to wear myself out trying to earn money to give my kids fancy things or vacations, and then not have enough left in the tank to be a present, loving mom. I want to be able to take a relaxing walk with my kids, read a good book now and then, and savor, not stress through the time I have with them at home. They are still small, but life is fast and short. I know it will feel like a blink until my daughter will be graduating high school and my son will be shaving. I would hate to look back on motherhood and realize the bulk of it was spent like a weary caterpillar, marching endlessly and missing the magic of my children.
I am not perfect at slowing down, and neither are you. There are going to be times where we say “yes” to too many things and feel like we’re falling back into the numbing embrace of “being busy“. In those times, take a deep breath and strive once more to be “present over perfect,” start saying “no” to things that will stress you out or stretch you too thin, and just be there for your kids. Just keep trying.
I never thought caterpillars would teach me so much, and it is my prayer for you that, the next time you see one, you remember this story and just. slow. down.
Are you busy? What do you do to “slow down” motherhood?
