Anger towards our children is often an unspoken truth. It happens even to the most composed moms. Sometimes it even turns into rage. Mothers are indeed different in their practices, but we are adhered together by these children that we love so intensely. Sometimes this intensity propels into something dark that we never dreamed would be connected to the beast of motherhood.
Losing Your Temper
Sometimes it starts within yourself. Or, from your child acting out. Dealing with nonsensical, unruly behavior can be like solving the Rubik’s Cube. There is a way, but it’s damn near impossible. It makes zero sense to the average mother. You try to be calm and to rationalize with your innocent child. Then something happens. Something inside of your gut gets so stifling hot that it boils over and spews out of your mouth. You start unleashing on your gentle child and sometimes you just can’t help it. All of a sudden, you are out of control. This may last for the moment. Or a day. Or a week. Or a month. Or longer.
Shame
If I am being honest here, I’ve been there. I have let my little four-year-old throw me into a fit of rage that I never even knew I was capable of. It is a dark, dark place, ladies. The shame that follows sends tears down my cheeks and shame inside of me.
After an episode of screaming, I finally wake up and become Angela again, the mom who loves her child with everything she’s got. When this other, more terrible woman exits, I finally look at my sweet boy in his face. His golden brown curls are now sweaty around his forehead. His face is flushed, beet red. When I make eye contact with his dark brown eyes and long, wet eyelashes, my heart torments me like it’s never tormented me before. I did this to him. No one else. He feels shame. I feel more. I created this wonderful, tiny little human. It is my job to protect him and most importantly, to love him. I am supposed to be his fearless leader. And yet, I have feared and failed him once again. I have made him feel like a worthless contributor to this wonderful world. I did that. The guilt and shame is so immense that I put a cartoon on so that I can go into my tiny bathroom and bawl my eyes out.
It Can Get Better
I wish I had some answers here, ladies. The truth is that I don’t. Things are better now. But that rut, lasted for one disgusting month. I am unsure what changed. Maybe God finally heard my prayers. Maybe just focusing on my child’s innocence worked. It could be the fact that I am finally putting more time into myself. Maybe it’s the fact that my kids are finally just a tad easier now. I can actually take a shower while they’re awake. I have no idea why it’s better, but it is. Today, when one of my children goes into one of those horrible tantrums, instead of shouting down at them, I do my best to get down on my knees and simply show them love. I still fail, of course. Every day, I wish I was better. But instead of going to anger, I stop and move on. Forgive and forget, they say. I don’t focus on my blunder. I apologize and figure out how to fix it.
You are Good
If you are in the midst of something like this, or have been, just know that you are good. Forgive yourself. Keep trying anything that you can to get yourself out of this dark truth. Talk about it with your husband or best friend. They will listen. Try not to feel that threatening shame that I felt. Our children will remember the love we show them a lot more than the yelling. They know your love. They just know.
What do you do to control your anger with your children?
What a raw, brave, honest post. Beautiful, Angela.
Anger is something that has plagued me a lot in my parenting, especially recently. And it’s horrible, seeing their little eyes widen in astonishment. You feel awful and out of control and like a failure.
And it’s so, so important to know that you’re not the only one going through this! *hug*
It’s funny because you think that there is no way another mother could be as awful, but then you remember that we are all human. We all fail and then strive to be better. Thank you for sharing!