It’s a thought that keeps even the most confident of us awake at night…
Am I doing a good job as a mom?
If you are anything like me, this question crosses your mind constantly: when your kid is throwing a tantrum in public, when they encounter a learning difficulty, when they’re sick, when they’re playing outside, or even when they’re peacefully sleeping. Low-level worry seems to always there. “Am I doing enough? Am I screwing my kid up for life? Will they be talking about me in therapy someday?”
Maybe it’s my millennial tendencies showing, but I like feedback. I take my job as a mother seriously and am always looking for ways to hone my craft. Parenting podcasts, blogs, and books are my jam. I want to be the best mom that I can be for my kids and figuring out how to do that is what motherhood is all about. If there is something that I can change that would better serve my kids, I’ll make that change.
Too often, though, moms get the wrong kind of feedback. Like when the older lady at the grocery store asks, “Doesn’t that baby need a hat?” That’s not helpful. Or when acquaintances comment on the size of our pregnant belly or when we get an earful about our loud children at church, that’s not really the feedback I am looking for. I usually know my baby could use a hat {they had one and just kept pulling it off}, that I gained plenty of weight with my most recent pregnancy {then gave birth to a 10+ pound baby}, and that my children certainly aren’t perfect during a long, quiet church service. I’m not looking for people’s opinions on my parenting – I want objective, constructive criticism. A little bit of recognition for good work wouldn’t be unwelcome either.
I guess what I’m saying is… I want a performance review.
While it’s just as stressful as anything else, working in the corporate world has its perks – you get to wear grown-up clothes, bring home a grown-up paycheck, and you likely get annual or even quarterly performance reviews! You get the chance to sit down with your boss and they can tell you what is going well and ways you can grow. If there is a big issue to deal with, you can address it together and come up with a plan to improve the situation.
Being a mom is a full-time job and a stressful one at that. Not only are you on call 24/7, 365 days a year, but you are the only employee, you are your own boss, your clients are often pretty temperamental, and the pay isn’t great. While you get to make the rules, you often don’t ever get true, objective feedback. Sure, my kids let me know it when they are mad about eating their vegetables, cleaning up their toys, or going to bed on time. They’re also pretty quick to give me a kiss or say, “love you, mama.” But what I really want to know is this: How will the time they spent with me affect them in the future? Should I have been more strict? More lenient? What should I be working on now to help equip them to be confident, independent, well-adjusted adults? What did I do poorly? What did I do well?
These are, of course, questions that can never be answered. We don’t get to skip ahead to the future or dwell in the past. We have today. All we can do is be present and make the best out of the time we are given. And truly, if are you worried enough about your parenting that you want a performance review, that probably means you care enough about it to be doing a perfectly adequate job! Children don’t need a perfect mother. They need a “good enough” mother and that mother is YOU.
For the sake of this post, I did ask my children how I could improve as a mom, and if they had any goals for me. My two-year-old son tapped his chin and exclaimed, “Cars!” My four-year-old daughter turned serious and said, “You should really go on more bike rides with us, mom.” My 3-month-old just gurgled and gave me a sunshine-y, gum-less grin, so I am going to take that as I’m doing just fine. And mama – so are you. Keep up the hard work!
Do you ever wish you could get a performance review on your mothering? Why or why not?
